The Gratitude Trap: The Everyday Blessings We All Miss...Thanksgiving 2025

A quiet scroll can make a good life feel small. We open with a confession about the comparison loop—how shiny feeds and other people’s wins can drown out the steady gifts right in front of us—and then we pivot hard into stories that reset what matters. A chance encounter with an unhoused man, once a Boeing executive, becomes a mirror: grief, one drink, and then a domino of losses. It’s a sobering reminder that the things we chase often mask the ache for love, connection, and safety.

From there, we get practical. We talk about entitlement hiding inside comfort, how blessings turn invisible when they become normal, and a therapy tool that actually helps in the moment: relabel and reframe. A tough boss can be your “what-not-to-be” teacher. A job you once prayed for can stop being a target for complaints when you remember what it replaced. We also share a short passage from Colossians—translated into plain English—that offers a mental health reframe: lift your focus, ground your worth above your worst day, and stop letting pain define your identity.

The most vulnerable turn arrives with family patterns. Growing up too fast, a father absent in presence, and the fear of repeating a life spent exhausted and alone—these pieces become a map for changing course. We name small, sturdy joys: dog-at-the-door hellos, weeknight TV with your partner, a child’s routine you’re lucky to witness. Gratitude isn’t a holiday theme here; it’s a repeatable practice that weakens comparison’s grip and builds a quieter kind of strength.

If you’re tired of measuring your life against someone else’s highlight reel, this conversation offers a way out: attention, reframing, and community. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs a reset, and leave a review with one overlooked blessing you’re choosing to see today.

Gift For You!!! Murders to Music will be releasing "SNAPSHOTS" periodcally to keep you entertained throughout the week! Snapshots will be short, concise bonus episodes containing funny stories, tid bits of brilliance and magical moments!!! Give them a listen and keep up on the tea!  

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Chapters

• 0:00 Thanksgiving Opener & Intent
• 1:28 The Comparison Spiral
• 4:10 Seeing Need From A Place Of Plenty
• 7:16 The Story Of Buck And A Fallen Executive
• 14:45 Entitlement, Numbness, And Forgetfulness
• 19:01 Reframing Burdens As Blessings
• 23:32 A Faith Passage That Shifted Perspective
• 30:00 Authenticity As The Podcast’s Value
• 32:04 Breaking Family Patterns And Father Wounds
• 37:49 What We Miss In Our Formative Years

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:23

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Murders to Music Podcast. My name is Aaron. I'm your host, and thank you guys so much for coming and enjoying this on Thanksgiving Day. When this episode drops, it's going to be Thanksgiving Day 2025. And I just want to say thank you all for coming and listening and continuing to support this show. On today's show, I'm going to do a couple of things. We're going to go left, right, and then kind of hit us down the center. I want to talk about mental health and maybe a shift in perspective. I'm going to do something that I haven't done on the show before, but I'm going to do it today. And something that I have been struggling with for a while, whether I want to present this or not, for months, I have been contemplating this in my mind, but today I'm going to do it. And uh and I'll tell you why when we get there as to what the conflict has been. And then finally, we're going to end with some thankfulness stuff. We're going to talk a little about uh thankfulness and then we're going to let you get back to your meal. So without any further ado, let's jump into this show and start dissecting all of the parts of the day. I want to talk about some feelings that I've been having recently as I drive around, right? And those are I've been comparing myself to others. And we do that all the time. But in this case, these moments of comparison have made me feel small. They've made me feel well, bad. And here's why. You know, I feel very blessed in an abundance of things between my job, financial stability. We always want, we could always take more money and get paid more, but really, I'm financially stable. I've got a great job. My material belongings, I have way too much in them. They're plentiful. I've got a great family, a great home. And between my relationship with God and my relationship with my therapist, it is helping keep me balanced in this thing that we call life. All of that is great. And gratitude is natural in moments of abundance. But in everyday life, I tend to drift towards entitlement and comparison and dissatisfaction. And what I mean by that is I look around and see what other people have and think, man, why can't I have that? Or the relationships other people have. You know, I don't feel like I make friends or maybe keep friends very well. And a lot of that is on me. A lot of that is on the idea that I don't trust people or I don't let people in or whatever walls I have up that I'm still working on breaking down. I'm getting a lot better. But when I look around and I see my peers have, you know, a litany of friends, I totally compare and judge myself to that. Um, when I see things on Facebook or on social media, what other people are out doing and the vacations they're taking and their life moments and their happiest times that they post on Facebook, I think about those things and I compare what is going on in my world. I haven't taken a vacation in a long time. And it's easy to get into that dissatisfaction loop, that dissatisfaction cycle with our lives. But in this episode, I really want to break down why we do that and I want to give us all a mirror that we can look into to evaluate ourselves. You know, I want to explore things like what is truly important and what really makes us successful and happy as human beings. Recently, my conviction has been this: I've been seeing other people in need. So as I drive around in my brand new 2023 couple-year-old pickup truck for work every single day, I look around and I see people with less. I see people standing at the bus stops. I see people waiting to catch a bus to go to work. I see the homeless, the transients on the side of the road. I see, I hear people's conversations at coffee shops about struggling for money for gifts or what are they going to get for their family or even putting food on the table for the meals. All that stuff I take for granted in my world. All that stuff I take and I don't even think twice about. And maybe it's just this time of year where I'm feeling, you know, emotional or something. I don't know, or maybe it's God's conviction on my heart. But I look around and I'm like, man, I am so blessed. I get caught up in the day-to-day of the comparison cycle so much and the dissatisfaction and the negative stuff that our mind tends to hold on to. But in reality, I am so blessed compared to the people who are, you know, around me and wondering what they're going to eat for Thanksgiving or for Christmas dinner or, you know, all the things that truly matter, or just not even having people to be there, or spending time by themselves on a street corner on Thanksgiving Day. And this feeling is not normal for me. But right now it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. And every day I drive around and I think, man, do I really need X, Y, and Z? You know, we asked for Christmas lists and I put this stuff down. I'm like, do I really need that? I don't need any of that stuff. There's people that need so much more. I am so blessed with the riches that I have. And for me, it has been a realization recently, just how blessed I really truly am. And when I look around and I see other people who are struggling, I feel guilty. And I I I wrestle with the guilt. I mean, think about it. Regardless of what our surface uh circumstances are, our anxiety, our day-to-day whatever upsets or you know, uh problems, how truly blessed are you and I? When you strip all that noise away, because that's just noise, when you strip all that noise away and you do a self-assessment, how truly blessed are you and I as we sit here today? An easy way to justify this is well, I've worked hard or I deserve to be happy. And while all that is true, and I get it, I've worked hard, I deserve to be happy, all that is true. What about the humanity around us that may be suffering due to their circumstances that are not readily apparent? Those people who are on the street corners, those people who are down and out and don't have the jobs or whatever it may be, what about that humanity? What about those people who are in their time of suffering? Now they are truly blessed as well. If they take that same self-analysis and assessment, they're going to see that they are also blessed in different ways than you and I. And maybe their level of success and blessings doesn't really match ours. But I just I'm talking about me. When I am doing that comparison, it is so easy to get caught up in the downward spiral of negativity instead of the upward spiral of hope and just blessings that we have. I responded to a fight back in 2018, 19. And this fight occurred because two homeless transient guys, now in my city, we had a guy named Buck. And Buck was a homeless transient, always had a dog with him, and one day Buck would be great, and you could talk to him, and he would talk to you for an hour, and the next day he would want to kill you. He was one of these guys who went back and forth. He always wore this green army jacket, you know, the big puffy ones with the pockets in the front on the hips. And it you never really knew what you were going to get with Buck. He always carried a big buck knife on his side and was a little bit mentally unstable. I would say a lot mentally unstable. Well, I respond to a fight one day, and the fight is Buck got into a fight with another guy, another homeless guy, and Buck actually stabbed the other homeless guy. So Buck is found and taken to jail, and I'm interviewing the victim of this crime. Now, this guy is a complete transient. He smells, probably didn't have any shoes on, peed all over himself, gross, dirty, 50-year-old something white male, just um a transient. The guy pulling the shopping carts with all of his world's possessions in them. And it's easy to go into that interview room. And some people, and I'll I'll be honest, cops are human beings. Some cops would go in there and be, you know what, uh, you know, rat on rat, roach on roach. Yeah, why are we investigating this? Why are we spending the time? Let's spend our time and energy on somebody else, let's spend our time on the mayor's kid that got assaulted, whatever it may be. We have limited resources, we need to use them more effectively. You know, those are the thoughts that some people might have. And I took the time to interview this victim. And as I'm looking at him and I'm judging him, be it through the drugs and the alcohol and the smells, all of that, I could tell that he was bright. Like he was articulate. He was clear and articulate in his conversation and his speech, which was abnormal for me. I didn't expect that because my judgment as I see him wandering around on the streets, and I've passed him a thousand times, never talked to him, but I've seen him out there. And my judgment was this is just another homeless, transient, drug-affected person that doesn't care about themselves and will never amount to anything. I mean, that is the judgment that I have. But there was something different when I took the time to talk to him and get to know him. And the human side of me took over, and I started asking some questions and I engaged him in conversation, not about what occurred, but just about tell me about you, tell me about your background, tell me where did you come from? And at some point I remember telling him this at some point there was a left-hand turn that you took and you ended up here. What led up to that point? Help me understand because you're different than a lot of the other transients that I meet. And then he told me his story. He said that he was married for over a decade out of the Seattle, Washington area. He said he was born and raised in the Midwest, moved out to Seattle to work for Boeing, and he said he was married for over a decade. I can't remember how many years he said, but it was a long time, 10 to 20 years, something like that. And they had a daughter, and he was a professional at Boeing. And about this time, I'm like, You worked for Boeing? What did you do for Boeing? And I'm thinking he's like a lot attendant for Boeing. And he's like, Well, let me show you. And he pulled out his cell phone and we got my charger off my desk and he plugged in his old cell phone and it didn't work anymore. He didn't have service on it, but it was his, it was his photo album, his diary, his journal of life. And as that sat there and charged, he continued to tell me a story. He said that he uh was an executive at Boeing and had a great life, a great house in Seattle, and a great family. He said, and then his daughter died. And I can't remember how his daughter died. I want to say she was killed in a car crash or something sudden. It wasn't a chronic illness or anything. And his daughter died. And when his daughter died, he struggled with that loss and that grief. And loss and grief took over his life, and it started to put a wedge between him and his wife. And we know that when children die, and I've never had this experience, and I hope to God, I pray God, that I would never have this experience. But when children die, it can either bring the mom and dad closer or it can bring the parents farther apart. And in this case, because of his dealing with grief and the way that he dealt with it, he explained it drove a wedge between him and his wife. And that wedge led him to drinking. And he had never drank before, but he became a drinker, and he was trying to drink his pain away of losing his daughter, and now the compounding effect of losing his wife. So that alcohol led to loneliness, and loneliness led to drugs. Drugs led to the divorce. That's when he got divorced and he moved out of that big nice house in Seattle and started a new life. This is the left-hand turn that I was asking about. In the drug world, he all of a sudden lost his job at Boeing because he popped hot on a drug test. They suspected something was up, and that drugs led to homelessness. Now he's living on the streets of Seattle. Homelessness led to mental health issues. Mental health issues led to Portland, where he came here for treatment, but he failed out of treatment in Portland. He couldn't comply, couldn't keep up with it. Drugs and alcohol had taken over his life, and he was unable to pass the health program, the mental health program that he was put in. So as a result of that, he was disqualified for that program. That treatment led to a failure, and the failure led to him living on street corners. Then he gets to meet me. That is his journey. Then we go back and we take a look at that cell phone that's now charged. That cell phone showed pictures of him with his executives in meetings in Seattle. This is before AI. And be in his meetings in Seattle. It showed pictures of him in business suits with his family on private jets. It showed him at his mansion in Seattle. It showed his beautiful daughter. All of these pictures are stored within the four walls of his cell phone. This is his memory, this is his life, this is his evidence that he used to be somebody. And it was clear in the way that he spoke. He was highly educated. But to pass him on a street corner, as I drive around in my 2023 Chevy pickup truck, diesel getting 35 miles to the gallon, and I'm pretty proud of myself with my job and everything else. I see these people on the corner. It's so easy for me to pass them, dismiss them, and just move on because I have my life or the busyness that we get into. And the same time as I'm driving around, I'm probably looking on Facebook or Instagram, looking at all my people and my friends who are have a better life in air quotes than me, and I'm comparing myself to them, and I am dissatisfied with my quality of life because somebody else is making$100,000 more a year than me. What stupidity is this? This world, this vortex that I get sucked into. I'll say we, because I'm sure you may be there with me, but we get sucked into where we're in this total comparison loop. All of this to say we never really know what's going on with those around us. And yes, we do deserve what we have because of our hard work and we deserve to be happy. But the true blessings are the ones that are often overlooked. This man, his true blessing was his daughter and his life, and not even so much his life, it was his daughter at the root of all of this, at the root analysis of all of his conversation, it was his daughter, was his world, and he lost his world and did not know how to get back on track. Those are the true blessings that we have that we often overlook. We get into I get into, I say we I get into this comparison loop on social media, which I've already kind of alluded to, but everybody else has something better. Or you hear about the conversations, and even if our life is objectively blessed, we lose sight of that. We become, I become entitled. When the blessings in my world become normal, they stop feeling like blessings. When the family dynamics are status quo and happy and solid and steady, they stop feeling like a blessing and just an every day. And it's so easy to lose sight for me to lose sight of what the true blessings really are. The blessing of being able to take my daughter to gymnastics and watch her, or the blessing of being able to talk to my son about how his day at work was. Those are the true blessings in my world, and so often I lose sight of that. The job that I prayed for for seven years, eight years as a police officer. I prayed, Dear God, get me out of this job. Give me something that pays similar, similar vacation, where I can just uh be with my family and rest. I just need to be at home. I need to get out of this rat race. This darkness, God, is killing me. That was my prayer for years. Then I get the job that I have now. In two years, I am making more base salary than I made in 21 years as a police officer. My stress level is almost zero. I get home with my family every single weekend. I have holidays off. I am so blessed. Yet, did that stop me from bitching about this job over the last year and a half that you've been listening to me? No, it didn't. Because I lost sight of what God had given me and what my blessings truly were. I lost sight of what I had good and positive in my life because as human beings, we tend to focus on the negative and not the positive. And that's what was happening to me. I I'm not immune to this trap of negativity. I've said it before. Think back to what you got for Christmas two years ago. Try to think back to what you know, cousin Eddie gave you two years ago for Christmas. You're not going to remember that gift. But go to that same Christmas and think about the argument that you had at the Christmas dinner table with your aunt, Betty, over whatever it was. You'll remember every detail of that argument. We as human beings tend to focus and remember the negative side more than the positive side of circumstances. That is how I circle this back around to the job. I complain about the job, or I complain about pay, or I complain about being worth more, or I complain about whatever it may be, but at the flip side, I have to remember the positive that is here. The positive is I have my prayers have been answered, and I am in a totally blessed and awesome, awesome place. I I quickly adapt to comfort in my world. Uh I I it it comfort makes me numb to those good things over time. So as as in my world, as I get new things, or as I get that family dynamics that's kind of finally level and everybody's leveled out and getting along, I become numb to it. And that numbness turns into forgetfulness over time. I forget to be thankful for those things and those blessings in my world. It's easy to let little things get stacked up throughout the day, like traffic or annoyances or conversations with the boss or you know, a small little argument with the kids or the wife or whatever it may be. It's easy to let those things get stacked up and we can take a bad five minutes and turn it into a bad five days if we try hard enough. And all those big blessings that are happening at the same time go unnoticed. They go unaccounted for. They go unappreciated. I believe that in modern society, it encourages chasing more money, more status, more stuff, more material belongings. And that is what's going to make us feel content. That is what is going to make us feel happy. That is what is going to make us feel blessed. All that stuff is noise and nonsense. And it's for me, I'm guilty of chasing. I just bought a brand new side-by-side. I am guilty of chasing that more, more, more, more, more. Christmas lists, there's a hundred things on there for the side-by-side, whatever it may be. I don't need any of that stuff. What really matters is that man's daughter. What really matters is his relationship that he had with his wife. What really matters is the stability that he had during that time. And now a couple of decisions, a couple of bad circumstances, focusing on the negative wedges were driven, and it's a completely different lifestyle. We can't let that happen to me. I can't let that happen to me. You can't let that happen to you. It's things we need to consider as we consider thankfulness. What do we have to be thankful for? Everything, but really when it sucks down to it, and when you get down to the core and the at the molecular level of what we need to be thankful for, it is the true blessings that God has given each and every one of us in our lives that we need to focus on, not the comparison loop in social media. I'm sure there are things that you and I are entitled about and we don't even realize it. And I I think about that in my world. I think about what are the things as I go through this and I see these people on the street corners and I judge and I feel guilty over it because of all the stuff that I want or need or feel like I need, I feel guilty. What are the small things in your life that you feel entitled about, that you are entitled about and you don't even realize it? That somebody else looking in from the outside could be like, man, I really wish I had that. For me, something that I do is, and I've learned this through therapy, is I have to reframe, relabel things in my world. And that could be a relationship with a trauma. That could be my 12-year-old girl hanging by herself. I had to reframe that set of circumstances to make that a positive thing in my life. And maybe that's something that we can all do. We can relabel, reframe things in our life as a blessing instead of a burden. And that is maybe a takeaway that I would give to anybody listening to this. You know, I want this to be educational, entertaining, provide value. The value is relabel, reframe those things in your world that right now you are considering a burden. Reframe those as a blessing. Reframe going to work as a blessing and not a burden. Reframe the toxic relationship you have with your boss as a blessing because you are learning what not to do, what not to be, and you are becoming stronger because of that relationship. We all have different things in our worlds that we're thankful for. One of the things I'm thankful for, besides my family and my wife, is my relationship with God. And in the mornings, I get up and I'll do a Bible study in the mornings and just a time of reflection and meditation just to set my day up right. And I try to do it every day. I'm not 100% successful, but I really, really try. And about three or four months ago, I was reading and I use ChatGBT to set up my Bible studies, and I'll say, hey, give me a Bible study on, you know, joy and peace. And it will give me a seven-day Bible study and give me verses to read and all that kind of stuff and discussion points and so on and so forth. Well, during, and this is the part of the episode that I said I've never done before that I've been struggling with for months, whether I want to do it or not. And the reason being is, do I want to be judged? This is not a faith-based uh podcast, but you know, am I gonna bring this up and talk about it head on? And I've decided I'm going to because uh there's something to get out of it. And if and if, you know, I am judged by five people, but 50 people get something positive out of it, then I'm gonna go ahead and throw this out there. So this is where we're going. So about three, four, or five months ago, whatever it was, um, the book of Colossians came up and Colossians three chapters or verses one through three, and it spoke about that in the comparison to mental health. And it, you know, ChatGBT knows everything about us, so it must know about this podcast and that I speak about mental health because it totally set up this uh chapters and verses to revolve around the mental health aspect of my world. And it made sense, and I want to share that with you. It's not long, but I want to share this with you and the points that were brought up during this. So Colossians 3, 1 through 3 says, Since you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God, set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, for you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. Now that is a lot of words. And if you're anything like me, when you read anything out of the Bible, this has got to be broken down in like plain English because I just don't understand what I just read. And that sounds heavy, but here's the plain English version of this. Paul is encouraging us to lift our focus. He's saying, don't get stuck on only looking at the chaos down here. Look up. Fix your eyes on what's eternal, what's good, and what is lasting. And for me, this spoke right into mental health because it so often I get trapped in the weeds of replaying my trauma, spiraling with anxiety, obsessing over what people think of me, measuring myself by my failures or the pressures of the day-to-day grind. Those are the things that I get caught up in, and I get so focused on the negativity and not the positivity. But this verse gives us or gives me, I guess, a shift in perspective. It reminds me that I my identity is not in my mistakes, it's not in my trauma, it's not even in my success. The old me, the, the, the Aaron that was weighed down by all of that is gone. And my real life is safe with Christ Jesus. And it's hidden and protected in him. That's what it's telling me. It's telling me that all of that stuff of the world that was burdening me and weighing me down at one point is now gone. And I am protected and whole. And it doesn't mean that we ignore pain or pretend that struggles aren't real. But what it does mean is I don't have to let those struggles define me. I can ground myself in worth of something deeper, something that is unshakable. And for me, that gave me hope. That gave me wisdom, that gave me insight and knowledge that I can take with me and have taken with me over the last five or six months. And I've probably heard this verse a thousand times in my in my life. Maybe not, maybe 150. I don't know. Anyway, but this is the first time that it hit me this way. My life is the truest and most important part of who I am. It's what I'm secure in. In my life, there's no trauma, there's no loss, and there's no failure that can take away what has really got me grounded and what I should really be thankful for. And just like that man's daughter, there is a true connection there. In my world, there is a true connection to what this verse and chapters are saying. If I only focus on the chaos, the pressure, and the pain of this world, then that's all I'm gonna feel. But if I shift my perspectives and I look higher and I reframe those things in my world, if I reframe them, then I can find the blessings that are truly mixed in with my day-to-day. My worth is not in my mistakes. It's not in my trauma, it's not in my achievements. It's not in the old me that I spent so much time focusing on. It's in the new me that is that is secure in God. And that is awesome. You know, I wanted to share that with you guys because for me it made sense. Maybe for you it makes sense, or maybe you turned me off when I started talking about God. It doesn't really matter. This podcast is going to get in front of the right people at the right time for the right message. I am not an expert in thankfulness. I'm not an expert in mental health. I'm not an expert in the Bible. I am not a pastor or preacher or anything else. I'm simply sharing a message with you that resonated with me because I feel like you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if there wasn't some similarities or likeness. This isn't a fun podcast where I get on here every week and tell you a story about X, Y, or Z or true crime. This is a story where this is a podcast where we live life together and where life teaches us and helps mold us and guide us. And I think that is the value. People asked me this week, somebody asked me this week, what is the value in your podcast? And I said, I think it's the authenticity. It's the authenticity that people crave because we can get fluff and BS anywhere, but it's the absolute, this is how the world impacted me. This is the lessons learned, and this is how we can all move forward together. And that is where I want this to be. Whether we're talking about the dark side of murders, we're talking about the bright side of music and people's weddings days and celebrating there, it's this journey that we're all on. Just change, you know, what's on each end of that continuum. And I think we can learn to live life together. And that's what the authenticity and the importance and the value of this podcast really, really is. I want to keep it real with you guys. I want to keep it real because it's easy to sound like there are no struggles or there's nothing to work on. And this may end up rearing its ugly head later down the road. So I just want to throw it out before I wrap this podcast up. So recently in therapy, we've been discussing my childhood and me growing up too fast. And by that I mean what possesses an eight-year-old to get on the phone with the police department and beg and plead and call and call and call and call again till he gets on a ride-along. And then what possesses that 13-year-old to jump into a uniform and ride 4,000 hours with the police department over the next four years of his life, a thousand hours a year? I mean, that's like a full-time job. What possesses that? What why does that happen? Why is a 16-year-old me dating a 26-year-old woman for a year, year and a half? She's got three kids, none of them are mine. But why am I putting myself into that fatherly role? As we work through this in therapy, some of that has been suggested that it has to do with my relationship with my parents. And what you're thinking, it's always, you know, the relationship with mom. No, but it's true. There are so many things happening in those formative years that take input from a father and a mother to help that child be successful. And when you look at a snapshot of my taught childhood during that time, up until about 11, 10, 11 years old, my parents got along great. That 11 to 12 year old, my parents argued almost daily over finances and a business plan that my dad wanted. And then at 13 years old, my mom and dad divorced, and my dad tells my mom, hey, take Aaron and leave because I'm going to do it with or without you. That is the memory that I have burned into my mind in this relationship with my dad. But then I got to go back and look. Where was my dad? My dad focused on work as a priority early in his career and throughout his career. He believed that long days and perseverance, even at the sacrifice of his family, is what would get him ahead and move him forward on the job. Those are the same values that I saw myself presenting in law enforcement. He sacrificed his family for years. And when he did come home, he wasn't much more than a shell of a man. He would fall asleep on the couch. Again, I can resonate with that. I learned that from my dad, and that's what I did in law enforcement. As the years progressed, he squandered his money. He found himself with nothing in his final years. Now I haven't got here yet, and this is the path that I need to change. He found himself with nothing in his final years. During that time, he switched from being a strong Republican to a strong liberal because he could live off of the system and the benefits that the liberals have. His family was all gone. His marriage to my mom was over. His marriage to his next wife was over. That after 20 years with both of them, he barely had two pennies to scrape together and he lived on a trailer on a family plot of land in Louisiana. His final years, he was angry, he was lonely, he was an asshole. He was, you couldn't go out to dinner with him because he'd make the waitresses cry. And that is the way that he spent his final years. And as I'm reflecting upon this, what it must have felt like to know that he'd worked so hard all of his life and had nothing to show for it. I do not want to be my dad. That is something I'm struggling with. So I'm trying to find the way to not repeat history. During those formative years when things should have been bred into my life and there should have been that connection and that love and that emotion and that growing and that nurturing, that stuff wasn't there. I didn't experience that. Now my brothers and sisters did. And in fairness, my dad loved people. He took my brothers and sisters in as his own from a blended marriage. He was a strong provider. He had good intentions. But the core developmental level of me in my formative years, he and I failed to connect. He never once threw a ball for me, never asked me how life was, never wanted to understand what my emotions were, or am I upset or am I happy or where's my joy center? None of that. I don't dislike my dad, but I am thankful for his example. It gave it gives me a barometer to measure my family by and how am I doing, how am I rating up, and then what don't I want the future to look like? What don't I want retirement to look like? I don't want to die alone in a trailer with two pennies. I don't. I'm sure there's more to follow on this. This is a bump in the road that I'm working through, but and maybe something I discover in my journey can help you in yours. You know, uh, I'm reading a great book called Becoming a Child, and it talks about all of the stuff that we need from birth to 13 years old in this book. And it's how if if we get these things and if we're influenced by these things in our life at these formative years, then we have a, you know, a foundation to live upon later. We understand relationships, we understand attachment, we understand connection, we understand, you know, stability. But if we don't get these things early on, then we have those voids in our life and those big holes, those big voids, those big pits that we have that we don't truly understand because it wasn't given it to us at our formative years, then we try to fill those things in with happiness of this world. We try to fill them in with things, with monetary stuff, with material belongings, with side-by-sides, with whatever it may be. We find ourselves struggling in relationships, struggling to attach, struggling to communicate, struggling to believe or have faith or whatever it may be. Anyway, it's a great book called Becoming a Child. Check it out. What am I thankful for in my world right now? I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my new life that I have. I'm thankful for my relationship with God, my music. I'm thankful for all of the couples that I get to bless through the murders to music and through the streamlined events, through doing their weddings and making those memories on their most beautiful days. I'm thankful for all of the things in my past, every experience, good and bad, the 12-year-old girl hanging or the times that we celebrated. I'm thankful for the things that seem silly, the joy when I come home from work and my dog recognizes me and recognizes that I'm home, the nightly cuddles that I have with my dog on one side and my wife on the other, watching TV, just enjoying each other's company. The joy, I'm thankful for the joy of feeling music and the freedom to cry and to feel emotions that I didn't have for so long. I'm thankful for the peace in my kids and the connections and their beautiful, significant others that are involved in my life. It is such a blessing to have all this. I'm thankful for the peace in my heart, which hasn't been present in decades. I'm thankful for all of those things because all of those things have made me who I am today. They've made me the person that is able to function in this world. And there's some negativity there, but I don't want to focus on that. Take the positive from that. It's made me the person that I can get on this podcast right now and share these things with you with full transparency, vulnerability, and honesty. That is what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for Tobias, Tom, Tina, Stacy, Carrie, Kathy, Ryan, Megan, Desi, Roxanna, Chelsea, Jill, Janine, Zach, Heidi, Nick, Danny, Darcy, Dave, Scott, Jerry, Char, Patricia, Greg, Dan, Laura, Alan, Matthias, Amari, Keith, Stephanie, Tom, George, Mike, Pendleton, Oregon, Sacramento, California, 5598, Los Angeles, California, 2496, Portland, Oregon, 7458, Portland, Oregon, 0021, Portland, Oregon, 3226, San Luis Obispo, 6699, Golden Dale, Washington, 1047. And I gotta say, I am so thankful your son is coming back to my part of the world. Orlando, Florida, 0833, Ashland, Ohio, 3089, and retired Detective Grand Rapids, Michigan, 9351. These are all people who have reached out to me since this podcast started and told me how this podcast has directly affected their lives, their family, how they've got something and learned from it, how there's been a benefit to them, how all of that stuff that I dealt with, positive and negative, and all the experiences of my world, has helped each one of these people get through something in their world, and that is what this podcast is all about. I'm thankful for the 67 countries and the 2,467 cities that listen to my podcast every single week. Every single download does not go unnoticed. I promise you guys. If you email me, I will reply. That is my commitment to you. Murders to music at gmail.com. Murdersthenumber2music at gmail.com is my email address. Email me. Let me know what's going on in your world. Be a part of this conversation. If something is helping you, let me know. I can focus on it. It keeps me going. If you need something from me, let me know. I am so thankful that you're in my world and I get to help you. You are stronger than the moments you are in, and you are allowed to outgrow the version of yourself that the pain created. Let me say that again. You are stronger than the moments that you're in. You are allowed to outgrow the version of yourself that pain created. I am thankful for you, ladies and gentlemen. That is a murders to music podcast.