Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)
Come on a ride along with a Veteran Homicide Detective as the twists and turns of the job suddenly end his career and nearly his life; discover how something wonderful is born out of the Darkness. Embark on the journey from helping people on their worst days, to bringing life, excitement and smiles on their best days.
Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)
When Holding On Hurts More Than Letting Go
What are you desperately holding onto that's slowly destroying you? In this deeply vulnerable episode, I take listeners on a journey through two personal stories that highlight the destructive patterns of chasing things that hurt us.
First, I share the painful saga of a 20-year friendship with someone I considered my best friend. Despite his constant body-shaming comments and verbal abuse that repeatedly damaged my self-esteem, I kept investing in the relationship. It followed the classic cycle of abuse—hurtful behavior, apology, honeymoon period, then back to abuse—until it finally ended after a public humiliation during a motorcycle trip to Canada. The question that haunts me: why did I chase this destructive relationship for so long?
Then, I open up about my current struggle with potentially selling my motorcycle. Due to an eye condition stemming from law enforcement stress, riding is no longer safe. Yet this motorcycle represents the last tangible connection to my former identity as a police officer—an identity I didn't choose to give up. The tragedy of my friend's son becoming permanently paralyzed in a motocross accident has amplified the reality that holding onto this part of myself isn't worth risking my life and leaving my family without a father.
This raw conversation explores the concept of "chasing"—whether it's toxic relationships, outdated identities, external validation, or perfection. Drawing from my experience delivering death notifications as a police officer, I remind listeners of life's fragility and why we must stop investing in things that destroy us.
If you're holding onto something that continues to hurt you—a relationship, job, identity, or habit—this episode might just give you the permission you need to finally let go and make room for something better. Because sometimes, what we're most afraid to release is exactly what's keeping us from moving forward.
Gift For You!!! Murders to Music will be releasing "SNAPSHOTS" periodcally to keep you entertained throughout the week! Snapshots will be short, concise bonus episodes containing funny stories, tid bits of brilliance and magical moments!!! Give them a listen and keep up on the tea!
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Murders to Music podcast. My name is Aaron, I'm your host and you guys are in for another good show. So this podcast originally was cut its teeth on my mental health and providing education, entertainment and value, while being honest, raw, transparent and vulnerable. Transparent and vulnerable and that is what I think got people to originally listen to this podcast is I was talking about things that you know a lot of folks didn't talk about, because you guys were taking my mental health journey with me and it's been a minute since I've had one of those shows because things have been going well. So I've focused on other stuff. But I got to be honest. Right now I'm in another. I'm in a little bit of a funk the last couple of days and I just want to talk about it. I want to talk through it. I want you guys to hear me out. If you guys have any suggestions or input, feel free to shoot me an email at murders2music at gmailcom. That's the number two. You can send me fan mail, you know, on some of your podcast things. Whatever, you can communicate with me, right.
Speaker 1:But I want to talk a little bit about kind of where I'm at and what I'm feeling and how I know there's a problem. So yesterday afternoon about 36 hours ago now or something 30 hours ago, something like that I'm driving along and I'm having some thoughts about, um, different stuff and something happens and I started thinking about this relationship that I had and I go through to my head mentally and it's like, whatever you know it's, it's a past relationship with a, with a buddy of mine. I don't really think a whole lot about it. Don't let it really invade my thoughts. Move on with life and go about my day. And then I ended up having a conversation with my old partner and I'm talking to her and I'm talking to her about my motorcycle and the idea of maybe you know, getting out of my motorcycle, uh, because of my eye situation, and I don't think it's safe to be riding my motorcycle if I can't see and if I have bad peripheral vision. It just doesn't make sense. But then there's some identity issues caught up in that and I move on with that conversation. Don't really think a whole lot more about it.
Speaker 1:Then I go have a beer with my buddy and my buddy I spoke about him a few weeks ago but I go have a beer with my buddy and, uh, you know his, his son was out with my son here about a month ago riding motocross and a tragic accident happened and his son, uh, crashed and, as a result, is permanently paralyzed. And his son crashed and, as a result, is permanently paralyzed. And I'm talking to him and I'm talking about, you know, his change of life and all the stuff that's going on in his world, you know, and there's more to it. It's his story to tell. I won't talk about it, but there's a lot going on there, right, and that family, I mean, over in a split second, in a tenth of a second, their world is completely changed, right. So I go talk to my buddy about that.
Speaker 1:And then I get home last night and I'm all spun up and I'm pissed and I've got an attitude and my temper is short and my patience is short and I just can't figure out why. So I start thinking back on when did my day start to unravel? So I start thinking back on when did my day start to unravel? And when I think about when my day started to unravel, I got to take it back to that conversation that I had in my head about my old buddy and I want to tell you that story and ultimately, the theme here is chasing things right In life, sometimes we chase things, whether it's relationships or our identity or a hobby, that we have, friendships, perfection, status, external validation, control, revenge, being liked by everyone. I've probably mentioned something that somebody can relate to, to it's that thing that we're just chasing because we need to feel good about ourselves or we need to fulfill a need or a desire inside of ourselves and um, so I think about this relationship that I had with this guy and church, through my wife and their family, friends and have been forever.
Speaker 1:And this guy is a police officer and, um, at the time I was wanting to be a police officer I was in college for it and he and I became buddies through church. He's a few years older than me. He'd probably been on the police department five or six years at that point something like that and I look up to him. He's a police officer in a major metropolitan city. He's a cool guy. I like him. Life is good. So we become friends to visit Arizona, he and I hang out and we hang out every time I go down, we get together and hang out and we'll play video games or we'll go swim in or we'll go shooting or go do something fun. So our relationship, you know, over the years continues to grow and he becomes what I would call my best friend and, uh, life was good.
Speaker 1:And you know, by this time I've become a police officer in Alaska and he actually came out and went to my police academy graduation. He flew from Arizona to Alaska to attend my graduation and you know he's my again to every when I talk about him. He's my best friend and as I go down to Arizona through different times in my career, I bring him cool gifts. And it could be an Alaska state trooper Stetson with an Alaska state trooper badge on it, their hat. It could be, you know, a steel cutout of his department logo he was on a special tactical team their logo and his call sign to hang on the wall, you know, piece of metal art. And uh, I just I kept bringing him stuff and you know he was my buddy and that's just what I do. I'm a gift giver, I like getting gifts and that's just the way that I did things. So this goes on and on for years until I'm, you know well, until he retires right, until he retires, probably in 2016,.
Speaker 1:He and I go on a motorcycle trip together to celebrate his retirement. He drives up here, we end up going with me and another buddy up to Canada and we make that motorcycle trip and that's where the relationship really started to unravel. And here's why you see, the entire time he and I were friends hindsight 2020, right, I'm chasing this friendship, but the entire time he and I were friends hindsight 2020, right, I'm chasing this friendship. But the entire time he and I were friends, a couple of things would happen. He would I have always struggled with my weight to some extent, and at times I've been thinner, at times I've been heavier, but no matter when we were together for the 20 years, I would have called him my best friend. He would make fun of me. We would go out to the bar and he'd be like hey, dude, you know what? Uh, it's nice having you along. I'm like well, thanks, man. He's like, yeah, cause you know you're my fat friend, which means they're all going to be looking at me.
Speaker 1:Or he would say things like uh, we'd go to a police store and take a look at you know police equipment, gear, whatever, and there's some, you know mockery of a cop. It's in the shape of a donut, like a little statue, like hey, dude, they made a statue of you, and he would say stuff like that and it would hurt, but I would laugh it off because that's what we do we don't confront the things that are in front of us. It's easier to laugh it off, especially if you have a self-esteem issue or you've been dealing with this since you were, you know, in elementary school. It takes me back to junior high when, you know, in the locker room, uh, the other kids we used to make me, you know, stand there naked and jump up and down and make me squeal like a pig. And this sounds like horrible now that I say it out loud, but this is the stuff that I grew up, the treatment that I had. My, you know, family members would say my legs look like tree trunks. So I've always had this negative self image and I always laughed it off and I always like you know what? Well, I got other stuff and it's easier to laugh it off and make a joke of yourself because at least you're liked, at least you're, you fit in, and unless you've ever been there, maybe you don't understand that.
Speaker 1:But so, as I go through this with my buddy for 20 years. Every time I go down to him I would have this anticipatory stress, like if I knew I was a little bit heavier, I knew that was going to get made fun of, so I'd pick my clothes correctly, so it didn't make me look fat. Or you know, if I was, if I had lost weight, I knew for sure he wasn't going to comment on that. He was just going to tell me about how much more I needed to lose and the anticipatory stress of going down, like screwed with me. But for some reason I kept going. I kept going down there every year, every other year, to see him, and every time it was the same. He starts to make fun of me and he ripped me apart. So it was about 15, 16 years in to our relationship.
Speaker 1:I, you know we're sitting there one night and we'd been out hanging out and he had said something and you know, um, I confronted him. I said hey, dude, you know here's what's going on. I've always struggled. I've struggled with my weight and every time that you say something like X, y or Z, it hurts my feelings. And you're supposed to be my friend, you know I fly down here just to see you and hang out with you. Yet you tear me apart and I don't understand why. And he's like oh dude, I'm so sorry. He's like you know what? It's just like ribbon, right, it's just like good fun ribbon. That's what we do as police officers. We rib each other and you know we flick each other's shit and bust each other's balls. And uh, you know I didn't mean anything by it, but I didn't know I was hurting your feelings, I'll stop. And I'm like all right, cool, thanks.
Speaker 1:And that was a really hard conversation to have. You know, I think we're probably both crying in it, because he felt like shit for making fun of me and it was really hard for me to be vulnerable in that moment and come front, come out and talk to him about it. So, because I'm living away, another year or two goes by I ended up back down there and I ended up down there for his retirement party. And I should say I got the invitation for his retirement party and I put it off and I wasn't going to go cause I was heavier and I wasn't going to go to his retirement party. And, uh, weeks pass and you know I'm getting asked are you going to go. I'm like, nah, I'm not going to go. I made excuses, but the truth, the truth was, I was heavier and I didn't want to go down there and get made fun of again. But in the final moment, the weekend before the day before, I bought a last minute ticket super expensive and flew down to his party.
Speaker 1:It was more important to be at his party and celebrate his retirement than it was to potentially, you know, take the wrath of him again. And I go to his retirement party and I need to pause the story here and tell you this. Every time he and I would hang out I would go home and tell my wife man, I can't believe he said this, he said this, this. I can't believe he said this, he said this, this and this, and he said it in front of people and it makes me feel terrible and I would just like it would literally tear my self-esteem apart. But I just wanted to chase that relationship because he was cool and I liked him and I had a buddy and he was my quote unquote best friend and as long as I kept buying him shit and bringing him stuff, he's my buddy and I.
Speaker 1:So then I'm down there for his retirement party and at his retirement party he makes more comments about my size and my weight. And we went out to a Toby Keith bar and he was talking about always having to have a fat friend with him. He's like, yeah, women always have three or four good looking ones and then a fat one. He's like I'm glad you're with me because you're my fat one. So these things are continuing to happen and I was pissed right. So I again get home that night to his house and I'm like, dude, you're doing it again and I don't understand why. And it's really hurt my feelings. And he's like, dude, I'm so sorry. And he broke down and apologized and I'm like, all right, well, you know, I forgive, it's all good. Love you, bro. High five.
Speaker 1:I go home, well, he retires and about a year later we're going to go on this motorcycle ride. So he rides up to me and we end up going up into Canada on this motorcycle ride out of the Pacific Northwest. We get up to Canada and we meet another couple who's on a motorcycle, a guy and a girl. They're celebrating their honeymoon, so strangers to us, but we meet them, become riding buddies. We end up in Whistler, canada, together, and, uh, so it's me, my buddy, my or me, my two buddies and this couple, and we all go out to dinner one night and the whole time on the trip, my, this friend of mine, my best friend here has been making little comments about the way that I look or the way that I ride my motorcycle, or the way that I look in my motorcycle gear, or you know what size helmet do. I have All this little stupid snide comments and it's just getting to me, it's like wearing on me.
Speaker 1:So then we're out to dinner and we all eat dinner. It's a really nice dinner at a really nice restaurant. And when we're done, the waitress comes around and she's like hey, would anybody like dessert? So she hands out dessert menus. I'm sitting next to this guy on an inside bench and when the waitress comes back, now it's the waitress, me, my best friend here, my other buddy and this couple, and we go around the table and it gets to me. When it gets to me, this guy looks at me and says out loud in front of everybody hey, tubby, what are you going to get? You're going to get one of everything. And I lost it and I punched him at the table and I punched him in the leg and I got up and I excused myself, and I excused myself and I was done with that relationship. I went back to my room. I was packed up my shit.
Speaker 1:The next day morning he came to my room and tried to pseudo-apologize or said that I took it wrong or he was just joking. We had some words. We left there a few miles up the road. He's like you know what I'm leaving? I'm just going to drive back on my own. I'm like we'll do whatever you want. Well, he ended up sticking with us and we all got back to the Pacific Northwest US side of the border. He went his way straight down to Arizona, didn't even stop at home, and I came back home and that was pretty much the end of our relationship. Since then, we have probably spoken five times since 2016, 2017, whenever that was. You know, when we talk, it's just not the same. I saw him one time when I went on vacation. He lives down in the Tennessee area now. I saw him when I was on vacation. We hung out. It was cool, you know. We were cool with each other, but it really hurt and I got to think about that and yesterday I was thinking about this whole story and I'm like man I am.
Speaker 1:I was chasing this thing that continued to hurt me for 20 plus years, that continued to tear me down, tear me apart, ruin my self-esteem, give me self-confidence, body image issues, ruin my self-esteem, give me self-confidence, body image issues all of this stuff. I was living with it and accepting it, knowing that it was destroying me and tearing me apart. And I had to question myself like why the hell was I doing that? What was I seeking from this relationship? What was I getting out of it? I was putting a lot into it, I was taking a lot of abuse, but what was I truly getting out of this relationship? And I still don't know what that answer is, other than destruction, self-esteem issues and, you know, confidence issues.
Speaker 1:So it took me 20 plus years to recognize that I was chasing a relationship where I was getting zero real reward and I was giving a lot. I was feeding into his ego, feeding into him. I was constantly giving and not getting, and it was 20 plus years wasted and a lot of tears and a lot of upsetness. Maybe I'm a wimp, maybe I'm a wuss for having concerns or feeling, maybe it was just good fun ribbing and as a police officer I should have been able to take that. But I thought it was bullshit that every time we got together he tore me down and would make comments.
Speaker 1:So in this whole synopsis and this whole thing I come to the idea that I'm chasing a relationship that I'm getting zero reward out of and that is hurting me, but I continue to do it. It's kind of like the domestic violence relationship. The domestic violence relationship starts off really good Physical, mental abuse happens, there's an apology, there's a time of a honeymoon period and then we start the cycle over again with physical or mental abuse. I was kind of in that same thing. So then I start thinking about. Almost immediately I get the phone call from my partner where she's talking about you know, we're talking about life and I mentioned that. You know I may be looking to sell my motorcycle because you know of my eye issue and I can't see. And if I look hard to the left, I may be looking to sell my motorcycle because you know of my eye issue and I can't see. And if I look hard to the left, I have like a gray spot in my peripheral. And if there's a car there where I try to clear an intersection and I pull out in front of a car. It's probably not worth dying for.
Speaker 1:But the reason I'm hesitant to get rid of my motorcycle is because it's still the only part of me that's left from the old Aaron right is because it's still the only part of me that's left from the old Aaron right as a cop. For so many years I rode a motorcycle. I was a cop. That's just what I did, and the cop got taken away from me, not by my own free will, but by God's will. It got taken from me and my life changed drastically.
Speaker 1:Well, the motorcycle piece is the only thing that is still connecting me to the old Aaron, and to get rid of that, to make the choice to get rid of that and sell that, I feel like I'm selling my soul and I'm holding on to it for nothing more than identity. So I'm chasing an identity, the identity of being a motorcycle rider. Let's be real I haven't ridden my bike in two and a half years. That part of me is over, it's gone. It's not like I've had any desire to get onto my bike, but it's literally sitting there depreciating. But the idea of getting rid of it feels like I'm selling myself out. It feels like I'm like literally giving up on life.
Speaker 1:Now I know, and my therapist is going to say, that there's a lot of good stuff that makes Aaron Aaron. There's a lot of things that I gathered over the year and stuff that I years and put in my toolbox and you know the character and the personality and it's a very good personality, by the way but the character and the personality and the you know, sense of humor and compassion and all that stuff, like all that stuff I get to take and that is the, you know, that's also part of the old air and it just it's the good stuff that gets to stay around, you know, and I get all of that, but the, the me and me feels like I'm selling out, you know, by getting rid of my bike. And again, this may sound stupid, I don't want to be dismissive to myself. This may sound stupid to somebody out there, but in my world this means something to me and I think about losing the identity as a police officer. And you know I lost that identity and that was huge, that was bigger than this motorcycle. And I was able to get over that and get through that and heal from that and realize the good that came out of that change.
Speaker 1:Mentally, cognitively, I know, and killed and my kids not having a father, my wife not having a husband or getting paralyzed like my friend's son, all because I'm trying to hold on to a piece of identity and be somebody that I'm not anymore. That sounds pretty freaking stupid and it's a depreciating value sitting there just losing value and I should recoup some value while it still has some and it doesn't just sit there and rot away and I get all of those things but it doesn't make it easy. It doesn't make it easy to swallow. It's not an easy pill to swallow and it's got me feeling like shit. To be honest, I'm chasing an identity, just like I chased this other guy for 20 plus years. I'm chasing an identity that I'm getting nothing positive out of and I need to let it go.
Speaker 1:You know that life has been better since I cut this guy out of my life and we haven't been that close and I'm not saying that I will never talk to him again, but I'm definitely not going to trust and sink love and time into him. You know I'm not going to say I'll never look at another motorcycle again, but I'm not going to sink love, time and energy and get myself killed on it, but to make that decision, which is where I am right now, and the decision has been made. But to make that decision, I feel like I'm selling out on myself and I feel like I'm losing the only thing that really connects me to the person I used to be, that really connects me to the person I used to be. Maybe I don't need to be the person I used to be. Maybe there's a better plan for me and the new person I'm going to be whether that is, I don't even know whether the new person I'm going to be is a better person. I don't know. It's all part of God's plan, not mine.
Speaker 1:I can't see the big picture. You know, my wife and I would go on long motorcycle trips together and, um, we would ride for thousands of miles and we would uh, we would share a lot of moments and a lot of love and experiences. And I feel like all that is gone. I feel like it's closing a chapter in my life that I really enjoyed and really loved, and I did it with somebody that I really love. And now, because of the blood pressure, because of my injuries because of this constant visual reminder of the bullshit that I went through in law enforcement and the stress which is what caused the eye injuries as a result of all of those things.
Speaker 1:Now I have to give up something that I love and I would have probably given it up anyway but the idea that it was taken from me again and that I can't do it because it's not safe, that's the part that sucks. I feel like there's not a choice there. I feel like if I were to make the decision to get back on my bike and go back out there, I would be an absolute fool. And I can't do that to my family, especially seeing what my buddy's going through right now. All because the kids were out doing something completely just for fun and recreational, and one little accident has completely changed their world and it's not fair for me to do that to my people. But it really hurts me and I feel like there's a piece of me that's missing and I feel like I'm weak for selling out on myself. That's where I'm at and it's really hard right now. It's it's a hard place for me to be and but I'm working through it, um, anyway.
Speaker 1:So this whole, this whole podcast tonight is about chasing stuff, right, one. I just needed somebody to talk to, so I need to get this out there. But we all chase things and those relationships, all the stuff I mentioned earlier identity, motorcycles, friends, um, boys, girls, perfection, status, whatever it may be. You know, we post shit on Facebook and Instagram just to see how many likes or follows we get as a result. Right, that's looking for external validation. And whatever we're doing in the vacation we're on, or the wedding that I DJed, or the podcast that I released, whatever it may be, or the wedding that I DJed, or the podcast that I released, whatever it may be, we're all chasing that something and for me, I have to remember that I got to make sure what I'm chasing is honorable, wholesome and true and that I'm not chasing something that is going to hurt me or potentially kill me or destroy me mentally and these couple of things that I've spoke about tonight. I all have the potential for that. And, uh, you know they say what doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger, but why even give it the chance in these circumstances? You know this.
Speaker 1:I think everybody out there listening to this has chased something, and I don't have the answers to why we do it. I don't have the answers to why we keep going back into that negative environment, that job, that relationship, why we keep taking the abuse and taking it on the chin and going back for another round. I don't know why I do it too. I don't understand. Maybe somebody other, smarter than me, can share the share the good news. Don't understand. Maybe somebody out there smarter than me can share the share the good news. But um, it's, uh, it's kind of a shitty place to be right now.
Speaker 1:And if you guys are out there chasing something, you know if there's, if there's a message in this anywhere and there maybe there's a message buried and I just don't know what it is, cause I'm too caught up in the moment. I can't see the forest for the trees. But you know I'll speak to myself, aaron, if you're chasing something, you check out and understand why you're chasing it, what it is you're chasing and what you're getting out of it, and make sure that it's positive and that it's healthy. And if you're not, cut the ties, guys, life is too short. We are never guaranteed tomorrow.
Speaker 1:I see my kids arguing about stupid stuff or you know whatever these little arguments or bickering matches that we have. And every time I do, I think back to my job and I think back to the death notifications where I go knock on a door and their life is going great. They don't know, you know they got into a little fight with their kid or their husband and the husband goes off to work and I go up and knock on the door and say husband was killed. You know, he was brutally murdered and the last thing the wife had was an argument with him over some stupid shit and it just we don't, we're not guaranteed tomorrow, we're not guaranteed life, we're not guaranteed this evening. Yet we chase stupid stuff that destroys us, we get involved in arguments and relationships that don't really matter and at the end, for what I just? We need love, love, sweet love.
Speaker 1:If you guys are chasing anything, check it, fact, check it. Make sure you guys are on the right path and you guys, I'll get through this. It is what it is. Sorry for getting all emotional on you guys, it's just. It's a tough place to be. I feel like I'm selling out.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you guys so much for listening to me event and thank you for being there. I feel like I'm sitting across the coffee table and just talking to a buddy. Thank you, guys for being there and listening. Hopefully you something made. You got something out of this. Hopefully there was a connection. You know, guys, I love you so much and I really appreciate you being there for me.
Speaker 1:Share this podcast with a friend if you think it'll do some good. Share it with your coworkers. Share it with your law enforcement agencies, your fire, your first responders. I try to tell things in such a way, while it affects me and my background, but I want it to be a message to everybody, no matter what walk of life they're coming from, and I think everybody out there can understand identity crisis, which is what I think I'm having right now and, uh, you know, everybody can understand it. So, ladies and gentlemen, thank you guys so much for listening. It was a short one tonight and I apologize for that. I just I'm almost out of energy. I feel depleted right now and I wanted to get it out there. You guys, thank you so much. That is a Murders to Music podcast. You.
