Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)
Come on a ride along with a Veteran Homicide Detective as the twists and turns of the job suddenly end his career and nearly his life; discover how something wonderful is born out of the Darkness. Embark on the journey from helping people on their worst days, to bringing life, excitement and smiles on their best days.
Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)
Isolating and Insulating: Recognizing my Fight Against God
Ever wonder how to navigate the emotional and financial turmoil of transitioning careers? Listen in as I unpack my own journey from law enforcement to an uncertain future, sharing the struggles and epiphanies along the way. Inspired by a touching message from a listener and a soul-searching therapy session, I confront the feelings of inadequacy that come with such a massive life shift. Through a raw and honest conversation with Jon Beal, a former LAPD officer who found hope in faith after immense personal loss, we explore the depths of emotional resilience and the incessant pursuit of validation.
Feeling like you're losing control? You're not alone. This episode lays bare my own battles with anxiety, stress, and the difficulty of surrendering control to a higher power. I delve into the internal conflict between maintaining financial stability and seeking emotional well-being, and how listener feedback has given me the courage to be vulnerable. By sharing these candid reflections, I aim to connect with others facing similar struggles and emphasize the healing power of open dialogue. Join me as I continue to learn, grow, and navigate this challenging yet rewarding path, one step at a time.
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What is going on everybody? It's Aaron, and welcome back to the Murders to Music podcast. So this is a bonus episode. It's a bonus episode because real life doesn't wait until Wednesday evening recording sessions, so I want to jump right into it.
Speaker 1:I had a fairly impactful therapy session this morning where we discussed some things and shed a little bit of light on maybe my current situation, which I'll give you a thumbnail sketch of in a second. But shortly after that, I received a message from a listener of the podcast and I happen to know this gentleman. I know him personally and I've seen him come up through life. I've seen him grow up and when he reached out to me he spoke to me about some struggles that he was having. And what's funny is I find myself in a position to help people through this podcast. Yet I'm struggling with the same things at the same time, and that was clearly evident on my last episode with John Beale, where we started talking about God at the end and the relationship with God. In case you missed the John Beale episode, which I suggest you go back and listen to but in the John Beale episode it spoke about John being a police officer LAPD finally coming to work with me in Oregon. I was his field training officer. We worked the detective unit together.
Speaker 1:John had a child that suddenly passed away as a little girl. Then, a couple of years goes by, another child passes away unexpectedly. His world is crushed, his faith system is crushed, his family system is crushed and he has to decide if he's going to be driving his car when he goes to work into the river and end it all, or if he's going to invite God literally to the passenger seat and have a conversation that may keep him from doing something crazy. And in that moment, during the episode, john's faith and his ability to set aside the anger and the frustration and the hostility that he might be feeling in real life because of his circumstances and the pain, he's able to set that aside and still find the roots of faith that keep him moving in the right direction. And I honestly feel in my world that our circumstances are different.
Speaker 1:But the last couple of years for me has been a very big challenge and I have found myself and I'm not comparing myself to John's situation and I need to make that very clear to all the listeners but I've found myself struggling with life, struggling. It's been two and a half years of living hell, coming out of law enforcement, coming out of a world that you're an expert in and you could do in your sleep, and having to be submersed into a world that you don't know, you don't understand, and gain traction very, very quickly to get to a productive financial role or a productive business role. Right, because, as men at least I'll speak for myself. As a man, I feel like I need to be a provider for my family and I need to be able to take care of them. I want to make enough money to pay the bills, I want to make enough money to save and I want to make enough money to give my family a decent life and take vacations and stuff like that. And coming out of a world where I had all of that, financially, I had a lot of vacation time, more than I could use, and I was an expert in the field. I worked a four-day work week and, hindsight being 2020, it's like man, I had it all, but did I?
Speaker 1:Emotionally, I was a wreck. Emotionally, I was an a-hole and I was completely detached, disconnected and my nervous system was shut down. So I wasn't being the loving father, the loving husband. I was missing things at home. I was, you know, literally watching my family implode for the money, the stability, the financial stuff, the overtime, all of that, and that has been a tough struggle for me over the past year. I want to make the money that I was making before and I'm not. And with that comes the internal battle of well, I'm not making enough to do for my family. I talked this over with my wife and she says you know, money's not everything. You got to have faith and God is there. And I'm like I don't want to hear about God being there. That's not the conversation I want to have. I want to see it the fruits of my labor, I want to feel valued and I want to be compensated for where I feel my value is. Then you know and I had that before it'd be easier to go back to law enforcement, while I wouldn't do it and I couldn't do it. It would be easier because at least I know I could take care and fill that bucket.
Speaker 1:But then there's the emotional bucket. The emotional bucket is that of I had been through therapy and was feeling good about life, and then I go into the court case that I've done an episode on, and during that court case. My world is upside down. I'm walking, acting, thinking, talking like a cop, carrying a gun, carrying a badge, back around my people. I'm in testimony, I'm an expert again, I'm back in that field. And not all of that is positive because at this time I now have an active emotional system and a nervous system, so I'm an emotional sponge.
Speaker 1:So what I used to be able to shield off with my suit of armor, my suit of armor is gone of everybody else's feelings and that changed me inside because it hurt and it was pain and it was sorrow and I was seeing the devastation around me and at one point that would have affected me. But now it does. So I live that life and I have the anger of the piece of crap defense attorney and the trial and all the stuff that I spoke about in that episode. All of those pieces and weights are going into my backpack and it's just becoming too much of a heavy load. Well, mentally, that puts me back into a fight flight free state where the fire alarm is always ringing but there's no fire in my brain. That causes stress, anxiety, emotions, anger, frustration, shortness of temper, loss of temper, destruction of family, et cetera. So today, as we're going through this therapy session, we're talking about.
Speaker 1:You know this conversation and I. You know it was an epiphany, an impactful moment when I recognized that there's a common threat of not being valued or not feeling valued when I left the city. I'm still not done with the legal battle because they won't let it go. They told me I was a number on a profits and loss statement and their job was to keep the profits column bigger than the loss column. I literally almost gave my life for the city. I was in a position where I could have had a heart attack or my life for the city. I was in a position where I could have had a heart attack or a stroke at any time. I was in a position where I had a gun in my mouth. I literally lived my life for that city and its people to do right and at the end of the day, they didn't take care of me and they're still not taking care of me. They're continuing to fight me. So I don't feel value there.
Speaker 1:Going back to when I was 13 years old with my dad and the divorce which I spoke about in an episode, didn't feel valued by him when he says I'm going to have this business worth without you. And if you don't talk to my mom and if you don't like it, you can take Aaron and leave. My mom took me and we left. I didn't feel valued in that situation. You know I've got a great job right now, but you know I I need to feel a value or a passion for where I'm at and I don't know that. You know there's some struggles there. Right Back to the money piece, I need to be able to do things that are going to fulfill my family and fill those needs.
Speaker 1:So in the therapy session it became clear that pre-trial I was emotionally at peace and happy, and post-trial I was an absolute wreck. And because I was an absolute wreck post-trial emotionally, I now find myself in the position where I was, where I am an emotional wreck at home, dealing with the anger and the shortness and the temper and all of that, and I'm not being able to provide financially like I was as a police officer. So therefore I feel less because I'm less of a provider and they're not getting the happy Aaron the husband that she hasn't had in 25 years and the father that they just met because I'm back to my cop Aaron. So I'm back to the asshole, aaron, and I don't have the money. So I'm like really, uh, I'm frustrated, you know, and that's where I'm at, and that is the.
Speaker 1:As a result of being frustrated and faith, I know that I should turn this over to God. However, I don't want to. I'm not done fighting. I feel like inside like there is tension, there's pressure and I'm looking for a fight. I feel like if I don't get something done for myself, then nothing is going to get done, and I know that is a complete lack of faith. I know it, you don't have to tell me, but I'm just being honest with where I am. To relinquish this control or this frustration that I have would be to give up, to give in, and I don't give up and give in.
Speaker 1:In the police academy, the mantra was I will survive no matter what and keep going and keep fighting. That's where I am. I feel like my legal team isn't doing what it should do to fight for where I need to be in the closure of my case. I feel like nobody is doing anything to push my needle forward, to move my purpose forward in the closing, in financial stuff, whatever it may be, and, as a result if, since nobody else is doing it if I don't do it, then it's not going to get done. I know cognitively, if I give this over to God, that he won't work miracles for me, but it's very hard for me to do that.
Speaker 1:I related this to my near-drowning experience when I was in the ocean, which there's also an episode on. If you haven't listened to it, you should. But when I'm there, I'm kicking, I'm fighting, I'm struggling which is what I'm doing right now and I kept breaking the surface to get little bits of air, but sucking in water. Currently I am frustrated and fighting and seeing little bits of light, but at the end of the day I'm just filled with more anger and rage because things didn't go my way. In the water, I finally gave up and I felt myself sinking and I knew that my day was over and I was drowning and I had relinquished to that. There was a sense of peace in that moment that it's over, and then I felt the hand come down and grab me and pull me back up to the surface and I knew, the second that hand touched me, that I was going to be okay, that there was a peace and that there was a promise of another day. And that hand was by Mark, the gentleman who saved my life. And soon as I broke the surface of the water and I saw Mark's face and I knew who it was. I knew that he was not going to let anything happen to me and that I was going to be okay and I relaxed and I went limp. And the rest you can hear about in the other podcast.
Speaker 1:I understand today that that hand coming down from Mark is no different than the hand of God coming down and touching me in a special way, answering my prayers, taking me from this place of frustration, this place of feeling unvalued, this place of anger, this place of wanting to fight and wanting to just kick the world's ass because I feel like there's been an injustice. My whole life has been to fight injustices for other people. It wouldn't be too far of a stretch to think that I would be willing to fight my own. I want to go talk to the other attorneys. I want to go talk to the city. I want to circumvent my attorney. I want to just make things happen, put a plan in place, execute it, hit the bullet points, close the case, move on with life and be successful. That is what I'm used to doing.
Speaker 1:I'm used to taking the bull by the horns, fighting the fight and kicking its ass, and I can't do that. So I feel out of control and helpless. Can't do that. So I feel out of control and helpless. I feel vulnerable. I feel like my life is in other people's hands, and that is the anger and frustration that I'm feeling. I know that if I were to relinquish this to God, then in God's time, there would be a sovereign plan, but honestly, ladies and gentlemen, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around letting go. So what's happened as a result?
Speaker 1:What's happened as a result is I have pushed away the church. I've isolated and insulated myself because I know the truth, and I just recognized this today. My wife probably knew this a long time ago, but I just recognized today that the reason I'm isolating and insulating and this is what came up in the John podcast last week when I got a little emotional at the end is I'm isolating and insulating from the church because I know the truth. The truth is God will set me free, but I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to give up or give in or quit this fight, so it's easier to push people away and to blame others and to blame the church and to blame the music department and my relationship with individuals there and how they've done me wrong and the injustices there and I'm not saying those injustices don't exist. I haven't talked about that on my episode yet because it's active and there's other people involved but there have been some injustices done there but I haven't been willing to forgive and I don't have to forget. But I haven't been willing to forgive because I know that is a step towards relinquishing control to God, step towards relinquishing control to God and it's a step towards me getting back into church where they're going to potentially help me resolve or see my issues and these are me issues but to see my issues where I have control issues and I'm not willing to give it up. And even as I talk about this, it's tough for me because I know I just need to give this up to God. But, man, I'm not ready to be done fighting. So all of this, I feel like, emotionally, I'm struggling for a breath of air. You know, in the water I was taking on ocean and I was dying and I was fighting for a breath of air. Here I feel like I'm still fighting for a breath of air, but I feel like I'm sinking and going down and I know, just like we called out that day in the ocean for help, I know what I need to do is call out for help from God and pray and just ask Him to take away my pain, change my heart, find the points of frustration and the anger and the hatred in my heart for some situations, and take that from me and fill those voids with my Holy, with his Holy spirit and, you know, my life will change. But, man, I've never been in a position where I'm having a hard time giving that up. Right now, I'm digging my heels in life harder than I ever have, and that is tough for me.
Speaker 1:Going back to my episode, oh, a month ago, where I was talking about having a really bad day and just in a rough place, this is like part two. Now I understand why I'm in a rough place. I'm in a rough place because I'm not fulfilling the bucket at home financially, and it's not that I'm doing bad, it's just not what I feel like I'm worth, right. I'm in a rough place because I'm not fulfilling the bucket at home financially, and it's not that I'm doing bad, it's just not what I feel like I'm worth. Right, I'm no different than you. You feel like you're worth a lot more money than you're getting paid. That's where I'm at, but you feel like and financially I'm not where I feel like I need to be taking care of my family, although they don't care about that. They just want the husband and the father that loves them and provides safety, security, shelter, love and peace jacked up that I'm angry about that. So I'm taking that over into my house and they don't have the emotional father, or you know, personally I don't feel like I'm providing like I once did, and you know, and I don't feel like I'm providing financially and I don't feel like I'm providing emotionally. So what the hell am I doing? What am I doing if I can't fulfill either of the roles that I have as a husband and a father? That is my anger, and if I don't do something about that, then nobody will, because I can't see God working in my life and maybe it's because I haven't stepped back to let him work. That's the epiphany I had today.
Speaker 1:All of this I get done having this therapy session this morning where there's a lot of passion and frustration. And when I come out of that therapy session I get a message. I get a message on my Murders to Music page and it's from this gentleman that I know. I know him well, I have a good idea of history and in that he talks about having kids and he talks about listening to John's episode and just putting himself in that world of pain and emptiness and the overwhelming loss that he would have felt in John's role. And it was encouraging to this young man about John's perspective in it and it by the invitation of God into the passenger seat to keep him from going into the ocean.
Speaker 1:And I think I would take that one step further. It's not God in the passenger seat. I think God needs to be in the driver's seat. Right now I'm not even inviting God into the car. I am driving past God when I see him standing on the sidewalk. That's a me problem. It's a problem with my heart and I need to address that sooner than later. And I know this and I think it might've started last night, um, uh, but we won't get into that. However, in John's case, john had God in the passenger seat. I feel like John was. I feel like God was in the driver's seat and when I'm hearing this young man reach out to me, um, he talks about struggling with different things in faith and different things in relationships and that type of stuff and not really knowing you know which direction to go. So he tells me this you know, like I got my shit together and I don't you know, and I responded and it was a good response, but kind of generic. But in the inside I'm being convicted that I am also in a really bad place and over the last couple of weeks so carry on about this gentleman this gentleman at the end thanks me for the podcast, for being real, for being vulnerable and that things that I'm saying are connecting to his world. He can wrap his mind around it.
Speaker 1:A few weeks ago I am talking to a friend of mine and she tells me about listening to the podcasts and she tells me about how, you know, some of the things that I talk about in my podcast have been relatable to her and her world with her kids and how it's been impactful and she's been able to share that with her kids and there's been some I don't want to say healing, but there's definitely been some benefits to what I'm doing to what I'm doing and you know that same day while I'm talking to her, I receive an email from another gentleman in Ohio who is a stranger, who says hey, I'm listening to your podcast. I don't know how I stumbled onto him, but I was a cop for 30 years. I get it. I listened to your podcast about seeing your first body at 13 years old. He says well, I was 14 years old as an explorer and I came on my first double fatality motor vehicle accident and that shaped the way I responded to people and the way that I worked my entire career. It's affected my family and I didn't recognize or realize anybody else out there knew what I was going through until I heard your podcast Spoke about sharing his podcast with his wife and working through struggles and emptiness and loneliness and depression and just different things going on in his world.
Speaker 1:That affects the way that he treats everybody. He's in retirement now but he is still struggling with things on a day-to-day, received other emails from people who are talking about strangers. I'm a current cop and you know I found your podcast. Thank you for what you're doing. I had no idea that somebody else ever felt the same way that I did and the emptiness that I feel and the hollowness and the Christian perspective of nobody understands me.
Speaker 1:Why would I go to a small group or a church? When I walk in and I'm a circus animal, all they want to do is hear police stories, um, and I can't talk about the darkness cause. These people just don't get me, or I'm too intense in a small group or a small church setting where if I say something, they tell me and this happened to me, you know. Hey, please don't tell too many details, I don't want to be triggered. Then why am I having a conversation, asking for help, asking for prayer and opening and being vulnerable? If what I say to you? Because my real life shocks your conscience, I get it. That is not a them issue but, man, it makes it really tough to be a Christian. So I'm able to have these conversations with different people, with strangers around the world.
Speaker 1:And today, when I got this message from my buddy, it just hit me hard because I, just an hour earlier, found myself crying because I can't figure my own shit out and I can't relinquish myself to God. I can, but I'm choosing not to. And, man, that is a tough place to be, you know. I just wanted to throw this bonus episode out there because if I didn't talk about it or be vulnerable or share my struggles, I know cognitively where I need to be and what I need to do emotionally. It's very hard for me to let that go.
Speaker 1:I know I need to relinquish control and pray for the Holy Spirit to touch me in a way that is very special and when I do God's, timing is perfect and the doors will open and doors will close and life will be good. Timing is perfect and the doors will open and doors will close and life will be good. I know that it could be my control of my current situation having my claws and my heels dug in so tight that is keeping God from working and closing the doors that I feel need to be closed. Or maybe it's not even time for them to be closed. Maybe I don't have enough faith, or maybe my faith is jaded because of all the shit that I went through over my years and I just don't have faith or trust anymore. I don't know what it is. I know God is good, I know the right answer, but as I end this episode of this bonus, I'm having a tough time wrapping my mind around being a better human being.
Speaker 1:I uh got a great episode coming up tomorrow night and I hope you guys tune into it. It'll be released on Thursday. But this has been just, uh, my thoughts today and a struggle that I'm going through today. So if you guys can relate, um, let me know you know. If you guys can relate, um, let me know you know if you guys shoot me an email. Aaron at streamlinedjcom. Aaron at streamlinedjcom is my email address.
Speaker 1:Um, pray for me, you know. Pray that I find my peace. I find my peace with my, I find my peace with where God has me right now and that I'm okay in this moment and that I'm not going to stay in this moment. But right now it's really tough for me to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I think that even having this epiphany, or this conversation, or having the realization of where I am, I think that is a great start in the right direction.
Speaker 1:I think my eyes are starting to be open. I can start to feel God's conviction in my heart, but I'm still the human in me, the injustice fighter in me, the guy that will never give up in me, the human side of me, is not ready to give in or relinquish control, and I think that's what God needs me to do before he can work. But anyway, it's a struggle. Y'all, thanks for listening to me, thanks for hearing this out. I don't even know if this made sense, guys, I don't even know. I don't know if it made sense or not, but I think to admit that, while I proclaim to be a Christian, and I am to admit that I'm isolating, insulating and fearing the lack of control, it's just something I wanted to share, because I'm probably not the only one. Thank you, guys, so much. We'll catch you on the next episode.