Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)
Come on a ride along with a Veteran Homicide Detective as the twists and turns of the job suddenly end his career and nearly his life; discover how something wonderful is born out of the Darkness. Embark on the journey from helping people on their worst days, to bringing life, excitement and smiles on their best days.
Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)
Surviving Abuse: Family, Faith and Finding Balance
The conversation takes a poignant turn as Adi opens up about her struggles with a debilitating lower back injury and a traumatic experience of sexual abuse by a teacher in eighth grade. As a former homicide and child abuse detective, I faced my own turmoil in handling her case, and Adi's account sheds light on the resilience needed to navigate such devastating experiences. Our discussion underscores the importance of thorough investigations and the validation of victims, especially children, to prevent further victimization and long-term emotional damage.
Through faith, therapy, and unwavering family support, we have worked to rebuild our lives and find a sense of self-worth and identity. We candidly discuss the emotional highs and lows, the impact on mental health, and the crucial role of a strong support system in overcoming life's darkest moments. Tune in for a message of hope, strength, and the importance of finding one's worth beyond external validations. Thank you for joining us on this journey, and we look forward to sharing more with you in future episodes.
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Welcome back to the Murders to Music podcast. Thank you so much for coming back for another week. Last week's episode got record numbers of downloads, which is super, super cool If you guys could continue to do your part download them, share them with a friend and leave me some reviews. Get on there. Apple Podcasts scroll to the bottom, find the purple. Leave a review on there. Apple Podcasts scroll to the bottom, find the purple. Leave a review.
Speaker 1:If you're on Spotify, which you guys are mostly on Spotify and Apple Podcasts on that Spotify, send me a message. The algorithms know it and it just really helps boost this post. Hopefully you guys are getting something out of it. So on today's episode, I've got my daughter with me Hi, there she is, and we're going to talk about some different things and we're going to get into some intimacy. You know I'm not the only one in this family that has experienced some trauma or some different things in their world, some adversity they had to overcome and grow and learn from, and we're going to talk a little bit about how some of the things that I experienced in my professional world opened up opportunities for me to help my family in various different ways and for them to help me, and it's amazing how God's plan just kind of puts all the pieces of the puzzle together and we're going to dive into that stuff. We're going to dive into what it's like to be an invalidated victim. Victims want to be validated and when that victimization is invalidated, not heard or swept under the rug, man, stick around, because you won't believe some of the stuff we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about highs and lows. We're going to talk about all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 1:So, without further ado, let's jump into this. I'm going to turn a little bit so I can face her. There we go, how's it going? Good, awesome, okay. So I want to talk a little bit about just you. We're going to get into kind of the meat and potatoes as to how we. I believe this podcast can probably help folks, but I want to talk a little bit about just about you. So tell me about yourself what's your first name and where'd you grow up? Just give me a little background.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm Addie. I'm his daughter. I have two older brothers, so it was a house of boys for me. Um, I am a sophomore in high school. Um, I was a gymnast for nine years and I'm Christian. I grew up Christian. I got baptized when I was really little and it's just been a huge part of my life. And going to church, going to youth group, that's where my main friends are and just where I feel the most like at home.
Speaker 1:Sweet, where were you born?
Speaker 2:I was born in Alaska, so yeah.
Speaker 1:You have no memories of it because you moved here when you were one. Yes, so your whole life has been growing up in the Pacific Northwest.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:How do you like it here?
Speaker 2:I like it. Yeah, I would stay. I go to college here and I'll stick around for a little bit after high school.
Speaker 1:Sweet, sweet, sweet. Well, let's talk a little bit about what it was like. You've listened to some of the show, you understand some of the ideas as to what the concepts are and basically I want to be able to educate, entertain and help people provide value for things going on in their world. And while people don't always have to be a cop to understand, there are people out there that have raised teenage daughters and at times we could actually justify homicide by the actions you guys put us through. So if we had like a jury of our peers, we could probably. No, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2:I'm not that bad.
Speaker 1:So you're a teenage girl.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I'm not like that bad, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:So what was it like growing up as a cop's kid? I mean, I was a cop your entire life, until recently. Tell me a little bit about what it was from your perspective, as to what it was like growing up as a cop's kid.
Speaker 2:Um, it was kind of all I knew for the first like 13 years of my life Stop spinning Sorry, you're going to make them sick I'm like, um, I don't know, it's really all I knew, um.
Speaker 2:So growing up it was just kind of the normal um.
Speaker 2:I guess I didn't really notice how big of an impact it had until he left. I didn't notice really, like I mean I did, but I just kind of thought that it was like that's just how all families were, um, me and my dad weren't always very close and so I mean, like I loved him and he was my dad and like I was, I was a daddy's girl but I never realized how how distant things actually were until until afterwards. And so I had, like that, that real connection with him and the real like relationship with him. And so growing up it was just kind of like, oh yeah, like he's my dad, like he's always at work, but like he comes home and he'll say goodnight, um, or we'll be at like New Year's or Christmas, and I'll be like, oh yep, he had to go, like he had a call, stuff like that. It was just like he was not really around as much and so I just didn't know what it meant to have like a real relationship with my dad.
Speaker 1:You said something a second ago. You said it was you just thought that's what all people's families were like, or that's what all families were like.
Speaker 2:What do you mean by that? Um, I just I never knew anything different than him not being around as much or him coming home and being stressed out and upset and frustrated, like that's just kind of what I knew. And so I figured that, since I was really little for a lot of it and didn't really understand, um, I just kind of thought that like all parents would come home from work frustrated, or all parents would have to leave early on, like New Year's or Easter or whatever holiday or whatever special event it was, or like wouldn't be around or would be at work all the time, at work late, and just I would never really see him. So I figured that that was what all families were like, that all kids grew up not really seeing their parents, whichever parent it is.
Speaker 1:Did you ever have any fears when I was a cop?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I remember one time, I don't know, it was back in like 2020. And my dad sat me and my brothers down and was like hey, look, if I'm outside or if someone comes to our door and I go out and you hear yelling or fighting or whatever, go upstairs, hide in my room, call the police, like you know, call 911, whatever it was. And so that was always kind of like that was what worried me. It's because that was in the midst of like COVID and all the rallies and protests, and so that was what scared me was that he was like um rallies and protests, and so that was what scared me was that he was like, hey, go to your, go like whatever.
Speaker 2:Maybe it wasn't 2020, it was, it was earlier than that because you were it was 2020, 2021 yeah, and so it was all that, and so that was what made me worry, because I was like, oh okay, like what? Like? What does he mean by that? Like, what does he mean, like, if he starts fighting with someone like I? I didn't really understand, but my brothers did, and so they were like, hey, don't worry about it. That never happened, thankfully, but I didn't really understand, and so, looking back, I was just kind of like who would want to fight my dad? He's helping people, he's making people's lives easier and better, and so I just I didn't understand it, and that's what worried me the most.
Speaker 1:I just I didn't understand it and it like that's what worried me the most. So during that time, um, we were during COVID or right after COVID, uh, but it was still a defund the police movement, it was still an anti-law enforcement movement. But what she didn't know is, at work, I was leading a cartel homicide where, uh, for five months, I chased around members of the Mexican cartel around the Pacific Northwest, uh, ultimately resulting in a series of arrests. And there were times that I was followed home. There was times that, um, there was people that would just drive up through the house or through the yard and check the place out. So I was a target.
Speaker 1:There's only one reason somebody's following me around whenever I am, you know, in the midst of a cartel murder. So that's what I was prepping the family for. We went out and changed the locks, we put up security cameras all over the place, just prepared for the worst, in case something bad would happen. So that's the first time in my career I ever had to give the family kind of the emergency plan if something were to go sideways. So were there ever any pros? Was there ever anything cool about it?
Speaker 2:Yes, pros, was there ever anything cool about it? Yes, so I remember being in like elementary school, started middle school, and I was like the cool girl who had like the cool, scary dad, and so I would like walk up to like all the boys, like, hey, you can't hurt me because my dad's a police, and so I was always kind of that girl that was like, oh my gosh, people are gonna be scared of me because, like my dad, and like my dad could protect me. So that was always cool, knowing that, like, hey, I could scare off all the boys, all the people who were being mean. I had that cool dad who could like go and like fight them, even though he wouldn't, but like he could if he had to.
Speaker 1:I would always protect you, baby Um. So let's talk about your gymnastics. When did you start gymnastics?
Speaker 2:I started gymnastics. Beginning of second grade.
Speaker 1:And tell me about your gymnastics career. What were your goals, what were your dreams, your aspirations? Tell me a little bit about that.
Speaker 2:At the start of gymnastics. Um, I was so destined to be a collegiate gymnast. That was my goal, that's what I wanted. I wanted the big college experience of having my teammates and having my best friends, and that's just kind of what my mind was at for the whole career that I had with gymnastics.
Speaker 1:And how many years did you do gymnastics total?
Speaker 2:Eight. I was about to start my ninth before I quit.
Speaker 1:And for those people who don't understand gymnastics or never had the pleasure of doing it and paying for it, the gymnastics is a year round sport. It's not like seasonal it's year round. So 365 days out of the year you have your holidays off, but other than that, it's a year round sport, and the more you progress through gymnastics, the more and more time you spend in the gym.
Speaker 2:When you left the gym, Addie, how many hours a week were you spending in the gym and how many days Ooh, I was there four or five days a week, Um, and all my practices were typically four, a little over four hours Um.
Speaker 1:So 20, 25 hours a week.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 20 ish hours a week.
Speaker 1:So. So gymnastics is going on. You're growing up as a cop's kid, you're living this life of gymnastics and then back in about 2021 is when I got out of law enforcement. Um, do you, do you remember? What do you remember about that period of time?
Speaker 2:no-transcript. Like absurd little adventures that we would like to call them. Like we would go walk around our downtown and we would go search for for rocks. Like we would go look for rocks and we'd have a competition of who could find the coolest painted rock. Or one time we went to like walmart or qfc or something and we walked around the parking lot and tried to find the coolest parking lot treasure. Like we would just go do random things together just to like spend time with each other.
Speaker 2:Um, we were again in our downtown and we were just sitting there and people were walking by and it was like a nice day. So there was like people everywhere and we started having a calf competition, like I don't know. Like we sat there for like an hour and a half and asked people who had better calves, like so we would just do those random things just to be together, just to waste time, just to go do something, um, and so that was always kind of fun. I would always look forward to our little like Adventures and just seeing what creative, crazy thing he had in mind for the day. It was always fun.
Speaker 1:So I think the important thing that I should tell the people listening is, as I'm coming out of law enforcement, addie and I's relationship, which she alluded to a second ago, was strained, to say the least. I wasn't around, I wasn't paying any attention to the family, I wasn't paying any attention to Addison and, as a result, we grew distant. That was in our early teen years, so she was already going through some changes and hormonal changes and stuff like that. But my distancing didn't help anything and there was in my mind at least, there was definitely some division and a rift between her and I. I had zero patience for her, zero patience for her teenage girl stuff and, um, it was a really, really challenging time. I always loved her, but I didn't always. I had zero patience. Um, whether it was her or my wife or my friends or my family, I had no patience for anybody. My tolerance was very, very short and if I didn't, you got on my nerves. I didn't want to be around you and Addie was a challenge for me. She really was, not because she was a bad kid, but because I was in a bad place, and so from the outside, looking in, because I wasn't definitely present, or on the inside. From the outside looking in because I wasn't definitely present or on the inside, I saw Addison reaching out to lots of boys, reading the text messages, a lot of flirty behavior or just seeking attention, and I knew that that was a result of me not being present. She didn't have a male role model in her life who was actively present and therefore she was seeking in other places. And while it killed me like I spoke about a few weeks ago on the episode, while it killed me to see this, I was unwilling to let my job suffer. Um, I, I stayed in it. I stayed in 110%, knowing that my family was circling the drain back at home and Addison was in her early, early teen years and one of the most formidable people and should have been the victim that I was trying to help. Instead, she was the victim that I was pushing away and intentionally avoiding at times because I just didn't have the patience to deal with it. Um, deal with the family, you know, and much less a moody teenage girl. So that's what was going on.
Speaker 1:Coming out of law enforcement, we were able to. When I came out, I was very uh, upset. I wasn't ready to come out. I went through some medical stuff, something occurred. I had an interview where I accepted the PTSD claim and because prior to that I wasn't accepting it and then I got under this path of healing, that's when I started into therapy EMDR, neuromodulation, those types of things and Addison was along for that ride. Addie, when you saw me prior to and there's a reason I'm talking about this and me and her opinions as to what's going on, because we're going to get to her in a second when you saw me pre-therapy, when I was at my worst and then kind of working through that and into therapy, what kind of change did you see, not only in me but in our family? What kind of change did you see, not only in me but in our family?
Speaker 2:You definitely had a lot more patience with me and with me being moody and cranky and my messy room and whatever it was that would drive you insane. You got more patient with me and you got to be there more and you started noticing more things that were going on, like around our house, um. So you started noticing the little things that you weren't before, things that were either bothering me or bothering justice or keegan, like you saw. You saw that um, that you maybe didn't see before, and you were just more present and more aware afterwards than you were before and you definitely definitely had a lot more patience and a lot more bandwidth, and so that was yeah.
Speaker 1:So at some point you got hurt doing gymnastics. You've been hurt several times, but at some point there was a significant injury. Can you tell me a little bit about that and just kind of how that affected you and what you got going on?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I fractured my lower back and that was something that was really hard for me, and the day that I heard it I knew something was not right. But I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to have to sit out and have to be the one that was injured, and so I kept going for a while. I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell my coaches, didn't tell anyone, and so I kept going for a while. I didn't tell my parents, I didn't, didn't tell my coaches, didn't, didn't tell anyone, and so I just kept pushing until it got really bad.
Speaker 2:And then we ended up going to the doctor and we got x-ray and an MRI and after the MRI they told us that I had fractured my back and so and that I couldn't, that I couldn't do anything for three months. So I decided that I wouldn't do any skills but that I would condition and try to stay with the team, because I did not want to fall behind. So after three months of just conditioning it was still bad, and so it was another three months of not doing anything at all, and it was really hard for me to just sit there and watch my team before competition season get new skills and have so much progress and just get so much better as an athlete and as a person all around, it was hard for me to sit there and watch from the side, like I don't know, watching everyone get ready for competition season and go into competition season, being so excited, and then I could barely move, move across the gym without hurting it. Just it really it really broke my confidence and it was. It was really hard for me.
Speaker 2:Um, I thought that that would be the end of gymnastics for me, and so that was really hard because I didn't know who I was without it, cause that's just again, that's all I've known is gymnastics, going to school and going to gym, going to church and going to gym. It was just kind of like the thing that was always there. It was like my steady point, um, and so not being able to do things and be in the gym all the time it it really it was like whoa, if I can't go back to gym, then then who am I Like? What's my worth Like my? All my worth was in if a guy liked me or not and if I was a good gymnast. That's, that's where. That's where it ended. So it was. It was really hard for me to to sit out and know that that it wasn't gonna, it wasn't going to get better, but it did after a little bit.
Speaker 1:So something else occurred during about that same period in your world.
Speaker 2:Can you tell me a little bit about that?
Speaker 2:It was in my eighth grade year and I was sexually abused by one of my teachers and that was something that was really hard for me. I was scared to say anything because I had had people contact me before the school year started when they found out that I was in this teacher's class and they were like, hey, if anything happens, report it anonymously, stuff like that. And so they were always like, hey, just make sure your name isn't in it. That was my one warning I got. But I was like nothing's going to happen, like it's fine, it doesn't matter, they're being dramatic, that was kind of my way of going into it. And then stuff did happen, but I was so scared to say anything and somebody saw what was going on and they reported it and then the school told my parents and so that was just really hard for me to stay silent for for those two, three months and and not say anything, because I was just so scared that something was going to happen to me if, if I did so um.
Speaker 1:Were there any other investigation was done, or did any other investigation was done? Did any other kids come forward? Were you the only one? What do you know about that?
Speaker 2:I don't know for sure, actually, but I was told that one other girl had something happen and she ended up switching schools and didn't say anything really about it. But something happened with her, I think, but she never actually formally reported it.
Speaker 1:Okay. So during this time I am still a cop. I believe I'm a cop. Maybe I'm right on the verge of not being a cop. Maybe I was on leave. Yeah, I was on leave from being a cop, so I was on my medical leave. I had on leave. Yeah, I was on leave from being a cop, so I was on my medical leave. I had come out, I was still employed, but I was on medical leave trying to get my head straight for that year and my daughter's being sexually abused.
Speaker 1:Do you remember that I was a homicide and child abuse detective? That was my expertise and I did it a lot of cases. I worked thousands of child sex abuse cases over my career and now my daughter is a victim and it's by the hands of a teacher and it really, really got to me. But I wanted to handle it from a professional perspective. I knew that there was a process. I was confident the process would work because I did it literally every single day. I knew the way the investigation should be run. I knew the way that questions should be asked. I knew the way that evidence could be brought to the surface to hold people accountable for their actions. And now I'm not jaded, going into it thinking that my daughter is a saint, but evidence is going to speak volumes and a true investigation is going to turn over other victims. No sex abuser gets caught on his first victim or her first victim In this case it was a him they just don't. So if you look just below the surface you'll find other people willing to have conversations. In this case there were several other people that came forward and communicated some sexual misconduct, sexual touching. This got brought to the police department and the police department.
Speaker 1:While I have a lot of faith in them in this case, in my professional opinion they don't know what they don't know. They don't have the experience to run these types of investigations, just because they don't have the frequency of them, which I'm totally good with, like on one side, I totally get it and I'm glad because they don't have the frequency of them, which I'm totally good with, like on one side, I totally get it and I'm glad that they don't have the frequency of cases that I've experienced in my career working on the other side of the water in a major metropolitan area. We have, I would assume you know, 10 times the amount of child sex abuse cases than they do and I believe that the investigation wasn't thorough. In fact, the first investigation they literally did the investigation. I made some suggestions. I talked to the school. The school completely screwed it up. They talked to the kids um in a non um. They just didn't do it right. They didn't do a forensic interview, they didn't do it forensically. Forensics mean you're leading, you're asking non-leading questions and it was botched it and it was total crap. Then it got taught over to the police department. Not enough questions, not enough detail got asked.
Speaker 1:If we're going to talk about somebody putting their hand on the small of your back, a teacher putting their hand on the small of your back, and that is what the child reports or the person reports First we have to ask why is the teacher putting his hand in the small of a young lady's back? When the young lady reports that the teacher was trying to pull up the shirt to get onto the bare skin at the small of the back, we have to question that a little bit more than just tell me what happened. Well, hand went on the small of the back and the shirt came out. He pulled the shirt up and was touching the small of my back. Small of the back is a very intimate area. It's a place that you don't allow teachers to touch, especially under the clothes, on the skin. Now you have your waistline, you have your belt line, and the reason that it's important to ask these detailed questions is because if the teacher's hand is literally in the small of the back, that can be excused as maybe a happenstance glance or a just a, a, a touch, transfer touch or something like that. But now you start asking how close to the top of your pants did the teacher get? Oh, at the top of the pants. Okay, well, that's a little bit more detail. Then what happened? Well, he put his fingers, like down inside the waistline of my pants. Well, how far from the top of your butt crack was this? Oh, an inch inch and a half, I mean inch, maybe close. Now we're in an intimate area. Now you have to be absolutely absurd to not believe this had some kind of sexual nexus. A teacher should not be putting their hand under a child's shirt, down the back of the pants, within an inch of the butt crack. That is an intimate area. Now we need to dig further. This case was screwed up and the teacher should be held accountable.
Speaker 1:The problem with this is you have a child, or you have children who are victims of crimes. They're victims of crimes whether it's a child or whether it's an adult. But you know what? The true victims in my world are dead people and children. Those are the two that have earned the title of a victim. If you leave your car unlocked and shit gets stolen out of it, that's your fault. You might be a victim. If you leave your car unlocked and shit gets stolen out of it, that's your fault. You might be a victim, but you're not a victim. Lock your car, make better decisions. Life's hard. Wear a helmet. I get it Now.
Speaker 1:Children, they are victims. They don't ask for it and they can't stand up for themselves. So when a child comes forward and says this has happened to me, a due diligence investigation, a thorough investigation by trained professionals, is what is required. It's required because, if not, that child walks away from it and if nobody listens and, just like in this case, it got swept under the rug. Nothing happened. The school district didn't do shit about it. The DA's office refused to prosecute because they didn't have the evidence they felt necessary to win the case, because the right questions weren't asked, because the investigation wasn't thorough and done by people who are trained in this field. Maybe they're trained, but I believe the training was out of date. Or maybe they were trained to the point where they just don't have it and they don't know what they don't know. I don't hold them as accountable for it. You don't know what you don't know, but seek help. And when you have somebody who is a trained expert the father of the victim listen to some of their input.
Speaker 1:Anyway, the problem with not validating victims, especially children, is that they are likely to not report again because nobody believed them the first time, or they're likely to delay report. And if you delay report and hold onto it, just like Addison did, for months, sometimes it goes on for years. I'm hoping to have somebody on the show who is one of my victims in one of my cases and she held onto this for a decade or more, and she held onto this for a decade or more. But the idea is that they delay reports. So during that delay report, it's very easy for them to be victimized again and again and again, and each time their self-worth goes down, their self-esteem goes down and they're willing to accept more because they're getting beat down and before you know it, it's no different than a domestic violence relationship. And then, before you know it, there's multiple suspects that have violated this victim. And then, finally, the victim comes forward after delayed report and you've got a whole lot more shit you got to dig through and unbury in order to help that victim find the validation that they need.
Speaker 1:That's why I did my job. I didn't do my job because it was fun. I didn't do it because it was nice. I did it because I wanted to validate the victims. And now I've got my daughter sitting here, who's been a victim not validated, and there's not been shit done about it. I'm a little frustrated. I gave literally my career and nearly my life to help people like my daughter and I'm in a position where I can't do anything about it except support her and love her. And that is a really tough place to be, because the justice side of me wants to lock somebody up and the dad side of me wants to kick somebody's ass. So now that I've got off on that rant, can we talk about this Sure?
Speaker 1:Okay. So one of the things that I did was, um, I would review Addie's text messages and, uh, it was October 1st. I am it's late at night. Uh, I'm reviewing her messages. She's upstairs in bed. Mom is away at a weekend with some girls, which she never does, but she got away that weekend and when I was reviewing Addie's text messages, there were some messages in there about cutting and potentially wanting to hurt herself. So the next morning I was able to talk to Addie about it. There was no sense in waking her up. I was able to talk to Addie about it. Addie, so tell me a little bit about that period of your life. What was going on? What led you to those thoughts? What led you to those actions?
Speaker 2:Okay, so I'm going to start off with saying that I grew up in a Christian household and I was baptized really little, like I said before but I didn't know what it meant to keep your identity in Christ and to find your worth through Christ and through what Christ has done for us, and so I didn't know what that meant and I didn't know what it meant to have your own faith. So I was baptized, I was Christian, but I didn't know what it meant to be Christian, what it meant to live your life for God, christian, but I. But I didn't know what it meant to be Christian, what it meant to live your life for God. So in this um, I felt like I had no worth at all, like even a little bit. This was in the midst of um, my eighth grade year, so everything that had happened, it was, it was in the middle of that Um. I was, I was scared and I felt like that um, that I was at fault for things that were happening to me, and so I wanted to punish myself because I was like, hey, if you were worth something, if you had value, then this wouldn't be happening. If you were more like this person, then this wouldn't be happening, and so it was a way to punish myself and a way to get back at myself.
Speaker 2:Because of what I had gone through it. I was mad at myself. I didn't like myself at all. I didn't like my body, didn't like the way I looked, didn't like my personality or or how I talked or how I treated people. I just I didn't like anything about myself.
Speaker 2:And so it was a way to get back at myself, because, because it was like, if you saw someone who hurt your friend and you didn't like that person and you wanted to just go up and scream at them, that's how I felt about myself. And so it was just a way of, like that confrontation, of yelling at the person that you don't like. So that's what that did for me, the person that you don't like. So that's what that did for me. And it also was a way that used to cope with anxiety and feeling like I wasn't good enough. Um, because I at this point, um, I still didn't have a very good relationship with my dad. It was it was a lot better than it was, but it was still like I would try to hide things from him and try to hide things from my mom, and so it was my way of dealing with stuff on my own and yeah.
Speaker 1:Did you ever have thoughts of suicide?
Speaker 2:Yes, I did.
Speaker 1:Can you share a little bit about that, or no?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it got to the point where I felt like that nothing I did was good enough for anybody, where I felt like that nothing I did was good enough for anybody, whether that was my friends or my parents or my brothers or whatever it was. I just felt like me being here made things worse for everyone else. Me being here was a burden to everyone else. So I just kind of thought that if I wasn't here, people would be happier.
Speaker 1:And so, yeah, so this comes on the um. This comes right after me dealing with the worst call of my life that I did, an episode on the 12 year old little girl that hung herself because she didn't eat her vegetables and mom and dad took the cell phone away. So I worked through that. I didn't work through it, that was still heavy on my mind. But about a week before I found my daughter's text messages. I attacked that case in therapy and in EMDR and I was able to work through it and bring some closure to that case so I could talk about it without the emotional baggage that surrounded that, Because prior to that I couldn't even think about that case without crying girl that hung herself, case which allowed my mental space and capacity to be present for my daughter a week later, when she is in a very similar position. And it's amazing how God took my professional experiences, subjected me to them the pain wasn't without purpose and then relieved me of that emotional baggage just a week before I needed to be absolutely front and center and present for my daughter. We were able to that morning that I woke her up.
Speaker 1:October 1st I was able to wake her up and she came and got in bed with me and we were talking and I was able to tell her about. You know, we had the same conversation. She spoke about loss of identity and I don't know who I am without gymnastics and so on and so forth, and it was also just absolutely eye-opening how God took me down the same path six months earlier, with being a cop one day, being an absolute rock star, being on television and my head, you know ego I couldn't even fit through a doorway and all of a sudden the next day I'm nobody, I'm not a cop and I feel that way. I feel like I'm nobody. I feel like my identity is gone. I've worn a badge and a gun since I was 13 years old, Um, and now I'm nobody.
Speaker 1:But I was able to take the six, seven months prior to this disclosure from my daughter and realize that I am somebody without law enforcement. There is life on the other side. God doesn't put our purpose and our identity in our job, but he puts it, sorry, he puts it in our, in him, and I was able to have that conversation. The tracks we were running down were absolutely parallel. I was just six months earlier than she was, Um, and it gave us a really solid foundation to work together on, which was pretty cool, and I've said it before, pain isn't without purpose and, um, this was pretty obvious that this was God's plan. He took me out of the rat race I was in and put me back into my family when I needed it the most. I don't know that I have my daughter if that wasn't the case, so that is what happened there. So, Addie, how did you get over those lows or those feelings and kind of tell me that process to what got you to today?
Speaker 2:Okay. So at the time I had a crush on this boy and it was not healthy, to say the least, the things he would say to me, the things that he would try to push me into it. It just wasn't healthy. Um, and my dad saw this and at the time I was really frustrated about it, but he was like, hey, I don't want you talking to him. And so I I was frustrated but I was like okay, sure, and so I just went with it and I think that's something, too, that that was really good for me. It was just getting that out of my life. My dad was always willing to be like, if he didn't like one of my friends or someone I was hanging out with, he would tell me, and so that was just kind of something. I was like, okay, like I guess I'll trust him, and I feel like that really helped too, because after that whole thing, I went into therapy.
Speaker 2:After that whole thing, I went into into therapy, um, and my, my therapist is Christian and that was something that was that that really helped for me. Um, because just having a Christian mentor in my life was was what I needed and, um, she talked me through it and she helped me realize that, um, my worth should not be in how many people think I'm pretty or how many medals I win, or how many times I get first place at a meet. It should be about having my faith in my identity, in Christ, and what Christ says I am and who Christ says I am. And so that was something that was really, really great for me and that she really led me through, is knowing that it doesn't matter if someone thinks I'm pretty, it doesn't matter if I get first or last place at a meet. All that matters is that I was dead and I was worthless and I had nothing.
Speaker 2:And Christ saw something in me and died for me, when, when he knew I was going to be imperfect and he knew I was going to have these struggles, and he already knew beforehand. Um, but that was something that was really eyeopening to me is that, um, I don't, I don't need to, I don't need to be approved by this world. Um, because, because God died for me and God approves me as I am, and so that was something that it's. It's still hard sometimes, um, but that was something that really helped is knowing that this world, if I'm in Christ, isn't always going to approve and that just needs to be okay and I just need to have, I just need to have faith. So that was something that that really helped us was having her and having her remind me that, um, having having my, my worth in Christ is means more than any any boy thinking I'm pretty or any metal.
Speaker 1:How are you so? How has it been, since we're both in therapy all the time? How has it been, like kind of writing this, you know chapter of life, we're both in therapy and kind of both. You know we're both on the healing side of it. But there's ups and downs, right, there's roller coasters, there's valleys and peaks. How has that been for you having um us going through this together?
Speaker 2:I think it's been really cool because we both kind of know, like, what it's like to sit through therapy, what it's like to just sit there and cry, what it's like to literally not get anything done and just and just talk and make jokes. And we, we've both been there, and so I think that's kind of cool is because we can ask each other about therapy and just be like, hey, how, how is your therapy session today? And, um, we both know that we don't need to say anything. We can say everything. It's just been cool to know that he knows what it's like, he knows what I'm going through, he knows, um, he, he just knows, and so that's always. That was always cool to know that I'm not in it alone and that going to therapy isn't something that I need to hide or be ashamed of because, um, people need it, people, people should have that support person, even if that's like a pastor or a professional therapist. People, people need their support person.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, so, on the highs and lows, um, there was Easter of this year and I've done a show about it. I was on one of my shows, but I'll remind everybody. If you haven't heard it, shame on you. If you haven't heard it, shame on you. I had the worst fight with my wife that I've had in our 26 years of marriage. It absolutely blew up and then I cried for hours and hours and I felt like I was dying. I felt like my heart was going to stop. I literally didn't think I was going to wake up the next day.
Speaker 1:Um, during this process, there was feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, uh, embarrassment, et cetera, and I found myself out by the fire where Addie had started a bonfire to just, I believe, just to get away from the chaos, uh, that I was creating because of a stressor that was going on in my life at the time, that trial that has totally screwed me up and is now I'm six months in and I'm still in terrible shape. My brain, my neurological system, is stuck between fight and flight and then freeze, which is a very painful place to be. There's a fire alarm ringing in my head constantly, but there's no fire. The hormones and everything is searching for that fire and there's not a fire there. So I'm in a constant state of panic. Anyway, that's what was going on and we had this blowup. So, addie, I'm out by the fire with you. I'm crying, you're there? Tell me about that. What was that like to seeie?
Speaker 2:I'm out by the fire with you. Um, I'm crying. You're there. Tell me about that. What was that like to see?
Speaker 2:Um, I was personally, I was worried, um, but I also know what it's like to to be there and to blow up and to just feel like you can't control your emotions and you can't control your thoughts and your mind and it just, it just won't go quiet.
Speaker 2:And so I knew what it was like, um, for my dad, and I knew how hard it was, um, and I knew right then that that right when they started fighting, I knew that something wasn't right in his head at the at the time, not that like, oh, he's crazy, like something's wrong with him, no, but that like that, that something was going on.
Speaker 2:And so, um, for me, I just kind of went out there and sat out there and I knew that when my dad was ready he would come out. Whether that was that day, week later, month later, whatever it was, I knew that when he was ready he would come. And so, sitting out there with him, I don't know, for me it just kind of felt like cool in a way, not that like my dad was struggling, but that he could help me when I was struggling and that now I can help him now that he was struggling, and so it was cool that he trusted me enough to come to me and to come sit with me and come hear me talk to him and just for me to be there with him and support him and just cry with him and laugh with him and whatever.
Speaker 1:So yeah, it was pretty cool. It's pretty humbling when you're a 13, 14-year-old girl, 14-year-old daughter whatever she was at the time is holding you and praying with you. It's pretty awesome. It's been a as a dad. It's been an emotional roller coaster through this whole journey and it's been pretty cool having her by my side. God intended this to be this way and it's pretty cool to have her support. Anything else you want to cover while we're on this thing?
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 1:Can you think of anything else?
Speaker 2:Not currently no.
Speaker 1:What's your favorite thing to do?
Speaker 2:I don't know, probably. Okay, bear with me here. He's crazy. I'm sure you guys know this, whether you've gone to his double down shows or just listened to his podcast. He's like the biggest goofball you'll ever meet.
Speaker 2:They don't know me go ahead okay, um, but, um, people say we're the same person, so like you know, no, um, but being in the car with him, or um, when he thinks that no one can hear him, okay, he'll be really like dumb. I'm gonna expose you. But he'll be dumb and like make jokes, make funny voices, start singing, sing stupid songs, talk to our dogs like they're grown men, I don't know. Like you know he, he's just silly like that. And so I think one of my favorite things is when I will start recording and then I'll be recording him do these stupid things and then he'll see that I'm recording, and then it's just his face when he like knows that I'm recording. It's so funny to me I don't know why, but it's always funny to see him Like he got caught, like he's like a little four year old trying to grab another cookie.
Speaker 1:One of the things that the therapist says about her is that she's a pathological liar and should be on medication. She's obviously not taking her meds, anyway, guys, hey, well, I hope you guys were able to get something out of this. Whether you're raising your own teenage daughter, whether you're too cool to have issues that your family can support you on, pain is not without purpose, and I believe we both experienced pain and we've been able to ride this roller coaster together and it's been a good experience. So I just wanted to bring her on.
Speaker 1:My loss of identity was being a cop. Her loss of identity was gymnasts. We both felt our life was over. We've both been on the edge of suicide. We've both had self-harming behavior and, at the end of it, god and therapy and a good family and support system is what's got us through. Nothing you're dealing with today cannot be handled. You have the strength to absolutely do anything you want and to get over any past trauma, as long as you're willing to work through it. So thank you so much. I love you and we'll see you guys next time, on the next episode. Take care.
Speaker 2:Bye.
