Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)
Come on a ride along with a Veteran Homicide Detective as the twists and turns of the job suddenly end his career and nearly his life; discover how something wonderful is born out of the Darkness. Embark on the journey from helping people on their worst days, to bringing life, excitement and smiles on their best days.
Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)
The Moose, the Mentor, and the Mourning: John Patrick Watson
Imagine responding to a prowler call and finding a moose causing the disturbance! Join me, Aaron, as I narrate this unforgettable incident from 2002 and the unique challenges of working in a small police department. We'll also explore how these experiences shaped my perspective on life and death, and you'll learn about my unusual habit of planning my own funeral since 2003.
Let’s take a nostalgic trip back to my early days with the police department. From childhood visits to the police library to becoming a Boy Scout Explorer and learning from mentors John Watson and Jesse Rouse, these formative experiences molded my journey into law enforcement. I’ll share some memorable moments, like John accidentally shutting his fingers in the car door, and how John, a crucial mentor and father figure, remained an integral part of my career and life.
The story takes a somber turn as we recount the tragic events of Christmas night in 2003. John Watson, who reluctantly covered my shift, faced a fatal confrontation with a suspect. I’ll discuss the profound emotional aftermath of John's death, my struggles with guilt, and the long-term effects of untreated trauma. Through raw and honest reflection, we emphasize the importance of staying vigilant and supporting those in need while honoring John’s memory and the dedication of our law enforcement community.
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Welcome everybody to the Murders to Music podcast. My name is Aaron, I'm your host and thank you so much for coming along on this journey. Tonight we're going to explore the first and most traumatic event that occurred in my police career. Now, this event was the foundational building block for, ultimately, my leaving the police department with BTS. I'm not going to get into a lot of details about the scene, so you don't have to worry there, but it is very important to understand that, as a result of this incident that was significant and affected a lot of lives, that, as a result of this incident, it shaped the way I was as a police officer. It shaped the way I dealt with people. It shaped the way that I planned my funeral.
Speaker 1:Now you might say why are you planning your funeral? Well, I thought that was normal. According to my therapist, it's not normal to plan your own funeral. However, since 2003, I have planned my funeral. I have changed the pallbearers out throughout the years depending on who was in my life at the time. I've changed out the music as new songs came up and as old songs went away. I have picked Bible verses. I have literally planned my own funeral. Now, I haven't planned my death. I have at times, but not recently. I haven't planned my own death but I have planned my in-the-line-of-duty funeral. Why is that important? Let's talk a little bit about my career.
Speaker 1:First, I want to tell you about a call that I went on in 2002. I'm at the police department. It's a late late one night. It's winter time. I remember that night it was very, very cold outside minus five, minus 10 degrees. And being at the police department, I was sitting in dispatch and we got a call of a prowler. Somebody called from a neighborhood close by and they heard what sounded like a prowler walking around the outside of their house. It was a dark night. I remember the moon was up and the moon was bright. It was a clear sky.
Speaker 1:I drove to the location, which I was familiar with because I'd been there for calls for service plenty of times, into that neighborhood. I parked half a block away, pulled up. My headlights were out, taillights were out. I walked up. I remember as I approached I could hear the squeaking and creaking of the frozen snow beneath my feet. When I got up to the complex or the house where it was, it was a duplex. There was a left and a right side. I'm approaching. If I'm looking at it, I'm approaching from the right side and the person the reporting party is on the left side of the duplex. So I'm approaching from the off side, which is intentional. It's a tactical way to approach. Now there's no way for me to sneak my way around this property without making a ton of noise because of the snow. The snow was knee deep or more. It was frozen, it was crusty.
Speaker 1:So as I approached the right side of this duplex, it's about 1030 or 11 o'clock at night and this gentleman came out onto the front deck and I remember him vividly. He was a good looking dude. He had on a leather jacket, maybe a white sweater of some kind underneath, and I remember he had an exposed gold chain hanging out over it. He looked like he was dressed up to go out somewhere. So he asked me what I was doing and I said, hey, well, your neighbor called and said that they thought maybe there was a prowler, so they wanted me to check it out. And he recognized that I didn't have anybody with me. I was by myself. And he says well, do you want me to walk with you? And up there it's a different world. Yeah, I would love to take you with me. If we're going to get into a fight, I'd rather do it with somebody who is pro cop, and you know I'm going to be with. Have my back.
Speaker 1:You see, the Kenai police department was so small. Sometimes shift minimums were only one or two people. So if it was more than one call going on then I might not have backup on these calls and we got used to working alone. So we made our way around the back of the house. The only thing illuminating the night was the moon. I had my flashlight but we didn't have it on. Made my way around the back and as soon as I got around the back of the house I saw it there was a moose. The moose was there. It was making noise. That's what the caller heard. So I turn on my flashlight, double check it's just a moose, it's just a moose. The guy and I turn around. We walk right back on our same tracks. I walk him back to the door, shake his hand. He says he's going to go out to a bar and have some drinks over in Saldatna. I wish him the best of luck. We fist bump, we move on with life. I go to the neighbor. I tell him it's a moose and that's the end of the call, I go away. I don't think anything more about it. So that was in probably November ish of 2002.
Speaker 1:So now let's go to June 12th of 1960. On that day, a young man was born in Grand Rapids, michigan. His name was John Patrick Watson. John Patrick Watson was a young man that grew up in Michigan, joined the army, served his country and, after getting out of the army, decided that he wanted to become a police officer. John became a police officer for the city of Kenai, the city that I grew up and I lived and I worked in. He became a police officer in 1985. John worked on patrol. He assisted with the detective unit. He was an all-around good human being. Now I first met John one year after he came onto the police department. It was 1986. In 1986, john was still a rookie officer.
Speaker 1:I was eight years old and I came to the police department for my first ride-along. I remember the day. It was a winter day and I came to the police department for my first ride along. I remember the day it was a winter day and I remember that I met John sitting in the library of the Kenai police department and you might think of a library as a nice. It won't. I mean, if a, if a building has a library, it's gotta be cool and nice and clad with nice wood and fabric. No, this is about an eight by 10 room that has three walls of books. The fourth wall has a dry erase board in a window and in that time there was a large table in the middle and all the police officers sat around and smoked cigarettes and their pipes and chatted and just bullshitted about life. That's what they did. When I came in at eight years old that's the first experience and memory I have of John Watson was him in that room.
Speaker 1:For the next few years I would go to the police department and I would rent books. I would check out books from that library. Now none of the books had been written in the previous decade. They were all old. But I got to read some books about law enforcement and John was my liaison. He was my point of contact when I would go in there and check out books as a youngster. He was always very nice and very kind. He was always very nice and very kind.
Speaker 1:At 13 years old I became an explorer. An explorer is a youth between 13 and 18 years old. It's part of the Boy Scouts of America and we wear a uniform. Now it's not a Boy Scout uniform. My uniform was navy blue with gray pockets and epaulets. It looked like a police uniform. I had a police badge. I wore a duty belt. On that duty belt was pepper spray, handcuffs, flashlight, radio, rubber, gloves and some keepers. Keepers are things that hold your belt together.
Speaker 1:So as we would go on these ride-alongs, we would get exposure to different officers, and I found two officers that I really liked to spend time with. It was John Watson and a gentleman named Jesse Rouse. Now, at 13 years old, these guys were ancient. Now they were really in their thirties and forties, but to me they felt old and experienced and just knew what they were doing. You got to remember, I grew up around John, coming in and talking to him, so John was a familiar face.
Speaker 1:I remember that between 13 and 17 years old, when I moved to Phoenix, I logged about 3,500 hours of patrol time with the police department. Now what I'll say that a different way. What that means is I wasn't very cool amongst my peer group because while my peer group was out drinking and partying, I was in a police uniform and it's tough to be cool when you're wearing a badge at 13, 14, 15 years old. But it's the life that I wanted and I got to spend time with people like John. It's the life that I wanted and I got to spend time with people like John. So, um, I got to spend time with John, I got to spend time with Jesse Rouse and, uh, I got to learn a lot from both of those men. So then I remember, um one night I'm writing with John and John was a big guy.
Speaker 1:John was six foot two, six three, 250, 260 pounds. He was a big man and he'd get out of these patrol cars. They had Caprices and Ford Crown Victorias and I remember he used to get out and he used to open the door, kick the door open with his foot, and he'd reach up and grab that A pillar and pull himself up out of the car and then, when he'd get back in the car, he'd open the door, step into the apex of the door, grab that pillar and fling himself down into the seat. Well, one night I'm riding with him and he flings himself down in the seat and he reached across with his offhand and closed the door but he forgot to move his hand off that A pillar. So he closed all his fingers in the door and he started screaming and I was trying not to laugh and it's just one of the memories that I have of riding with him and he closed his fingers in the door.
Speaker 1:Another memory I was 14 years old and we make a felony traffic stop. A felony traffic stop is a stop on a felony situation. It could be a stolen vehicle, it could be a warrant, it could be a gun call, it could be whatever. And I don't recall exactly what this call was. But there was two police cars. We were at the Kenai Spur in Gill, which is right on the edge of town. They made it was a daytime traffic stop. We made these felony traffic stop. Two police cars, one bad guy car. They called the guy out on the PA. He walked out, walked backwards, knelt down on the ground, put his hands on the back of his head and John told me go and handcuff him. That's the kind of trust John's letting a 14-year-old child go up and handcuff a 40-year-old man for a felony traffic stop. I went up, I handcuffed him, I brought him back and that's the first time I handcuffed somebody for a felony. I arrested somebody for a felony and it was pretty exciting and John trusted me and knew that I was capable of doing what I, what he wanted me to do. So that was really good. So then I moved to Phoenix Arizona, moved to Phoenix Arizona.
Speaker 1:When I moved to Phoenix, john stayed in touch with me and an opening came up at the police department. I applied for it. John was a strong advocate for me and I came back and finally got hired with the police department. Well, after I got hired, john was my mentor. He was a field training officer for me. We worked alongside of each other. He taught me a ton of stuff and there's a field training program that officers go through and that means you ride with seasoned officers for a period of time. You're judged, you're rated, you're graded, and either you pass or you fail. And John was one of my field training officers, and either you pass or you fail. And John was one of my field training officers. So as life moved on through the police department, we got to know each other quite well.
Speaker 1:John was a family man. He was born and raised. I wasn't born, but he was raised and grew up in Kenai as an adult. He raised a family there. He was a Christian part of a church. He helped with the Boy Scouts. He assisted to assemble and form a Harley Davidson motorcycle club. John was the kind of police officer that was a father figure. I was a hard ass If I could go out and write 60 or 70 tickets in you know a shift in a town of 7,000 people. Then uh and wonder why my name got scratched into the stall at the local Safeway store that Aaron's an asshole. Um, john wasn't that guy. You would have never seen his name scratched onto any stall. Because John was the kind of guy that would mentor and teach and take the time as a police officer to guide, counsel, father and use these opportunities as learning moments. Now, it doesn't mean John wouldn't arrest you or kick your ass if needed, but he was a big gentle giant. That was John's approach to law enforcement. But he was a big gentle giant. That was John's approach to law enforcement. That was his approach to life.
Speaker 1:So in late November, early December, about the same time that I had that moose call, I was a defensive tactics instructor and I would hold defensive tactics courses for the police department and we held one at the Kenai High School and John was in attendance. And if you're listening to this and you've ever been a DT instructor or you've ever tried to get a bunch of cops to get into a mat room and not start screwing around, well, that's exactly what I had to deal with. We were in there, people were messing around. You try, that's exactly what I had to deal with. We were in there, people were messing around. You try to keep control, but you got to remember I'm a two-year cop, one-year cop, trying to teach John Watson, an 18-year veteran, defensive tactics stuff, and I wasn't taken real seriously. I remember that there was one move we were trying to do and John was just such a man of stature and size that you know he didn't need our tactics. He just got out of it because he was a big dude, and that's one of my memories of John as far as a training side goes. And I talk about all of this because now we're up on Christmas of 2003.
Speaker 1:Christmas of 2003, I had been at the police department for about a year and a half and my wife wanted to go on vacation to visit her family in Arizona. I was supposed to work Christmas night of 2003. However, I asked for it off and it was approved by my sergeant. Now that meant that somebody had to cover my shift because, remember, sometimes we only have one or two people on, especially on the holidays, and in this case, john Watson got told he was going to cover my shift. John didn't want to cover my shift. He didn't want to cover my shift because it was his wife's birthday and he wanted to be at home with his wife rightfully so on her birthday, which was also Christmas Day. But John wasn't given a choice and he was told he was going to cover. But John wasn't given a choice and he was told he was going to cover. John was a guy who didn't mind sharing his feelings or his thoughts or his opinions. In a very loud and boisterous way, john made it very clear that he didn't want to work and it was bullshit. But he was going to do it because he was told to and he's a company man. So I go on vacation feeling a little guilty that John is covering my shift, but the sergeant told me he had to, so he has to Kind of my thought and feeling.
Speaker 1:So, um, christmas night, at 7 41 PM, the troopers asked for assistance in locating a newer silver Ford Explorer or excursion. You see, a citizen had reported they were having Christmas dinner and this strange man and his girlfriend and a dog came into their house in a rural part of the area, ate and then left. Once they left everybody wondered who the guy was. Who invited him? A stranger just came in, nobody said anything. He didn't say anything to anybody. The girlfriend sat in another room. He ate, he left and everybody's like did you invite him? I didn't invite him. Did you invite him? Nobody invited him. So they realized that there was something weird. So they called the Alaska State Troopers. The Alaska State Troopers were able to put out a bolo or a be on the lookout for that vehicle and they had a license plate. The license plate came back to an address in the city of Kenai.
Speaker 1:John was at the police department and got the call for service. He had to drive about on icy roads 15, 18 minutes away from the police department. It was 17 degrees below zero. That night I was in warm Arizona and John had to drive across town to a rural part of the city way outside of the core main area to look for this suspicious vehicle. Didn't know what the circumstances were, but that's what he had to go do. So he left the police department.
Speaker 1:You see, the citizen reported to troopers. The suspect and a 21-year-old female had left the residence in an excursion and the subject appeared intoxicated and agitated. Troopers were tempted to locate the vehicle in order to conduct a welfare check on the male, the female. When Watson went to the home that night he wasn't able to find the vehicle in the driveway. So he put out on the radio that he wasn't able to locate it and that he was 10-8 or in service. In order to get to this person's house, the registered owner's house, you have to take about three quarters of a mile to a mile of winding neighborhood roads in order to get to it. So as he's leaving remember it's Christmas, it's about eight o'clock at night, it's 17 below zero, it's dark, there's not a lot of traffic on the road as he's leaving, he sees the vehicle pull in to the neighborhood. So at 8.16 pm he reported that he had seen the vehicle matching the suspect description and that he turned around and tried to traffic stop the vehicle. The vehicle did not stop immediately. The vehicle continued driving and pulled down a long and windy driveway to the register's owner's address to where the vehicle lived. Driveway to the register's owner's address to where the vehicle lived.
Speaker 1:Officer Watson contacted the male who got out of the car. A female got out with the dog and Watson allowed the female and the dog to go into the house. John was the kind of guy that it just made sense he needed to talk to the male first and he would allow the female to be warm inside the house because of the cold temperature. The area that they were at it was a single house at the end of a long windy road. It was dark, it was cold, it was crisp. It was a very hallowed night. It was a very hallowed night, so he got out and he contacted the mail. When he contacted the mail, something occurred and we don't know exactly what it was, but something occurred and the mail came at him in an aggressive manner and, as a result, john tried to detain or arrest him. When John tried to arrest him, a fight ensued, based on the female who witnessed. A fight ensued and ultimately the gentleman got a hold of John's gun and, from behind, john shot John once in the bulletproof vest and then shot John in the back of the head, killing him Before John was killed he was able to put out a call for help on the radio.
Speaker 1:And he put out a routine call for assistance, not an emergency call, and when he did it you could hear in his voice that things weren't right. Now it was a limited crew at the police department, but the ones that were there gathered their stuff and went out to go back up John. I'm not going to tell the officer's story who was the first one responding, but I will say that when that officer arrived, john's car was in the driveway, the overheads were on, I believe, the door was open, there were some A-figure or figures in the window of the home and John was laying dead between his patrol car and the front door of the house. It was obvious that John was deceased and at this point more assistance was called for and after a several-hour standoff the female was released and the male surrendered. So the male goes back to the police department. They're able to interview him. Ultimately he was found guilty and is serving 101 years in prison.
Speaker 1:This man is the same man that conducted the welfare check with me one month earlier. Remember the guy in the leather jacket, with the white sweater and the gold chain? It's the same person who shot and killed my partner one month later. You never know in this line of work who you're contacting. Line of work who you're contacting. So how does this affect me long-term? Well, you see, the next morning at 5 am I got a phone call from I believe it was my lieutenant at the time, kim Wanamaker. Kim called me and said that John had been killed in the line of duty the night before and that I needed to come home. And he I remember him saying you don't have to come home, but it would, I suggested. So my wife and I, without hesitation, got on the first flight we could out of Phoenix and we flew back to Alaska.
Speaker 1:Now, flying back on that plane, at this time I was a one-year cop. I was excited if I heard a siren. I was fulfilling my dream, everything I wanted. But now I'm having to go back and process and think about. I wasn't there. I didn't get to help. He was covering my shift. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have been working last night. It was his wife's birthday. He didn't want to work last night. He was forced into working last night. All of these things are starting to build into my head before I even hit the ground in Alaska. At that time my nervous system wasn't dead. My nervous system worked fine because I was a brand new cop. So I was feeling all of these emotions.
Speaker 1:I get back to Alaska and the police department was a place of tension, emotions. Nobody knew what to do or how to do it. This was the first time a police officer had been killed in the line of duty with my agency. So there was a lot of unknowns and a lot of figuring things out as we go. I remember that when I got back, I didn't feel like a part of the team. I didn't feel like a part of I had nothing to say. How am I going to talk about my vacation when these guys are talking about spending hours at 17 below on the murder scene for John Watson? It was a tough place to be. I felt like an outsider and an outcast within my own agency. I felt like I didn't contribute to this situation. I did contribute, but I contributed by allowing John to work that night on his wife's birthday when he was killed, and it should have been me on that call. That night on his wife's birthday when he was killed, and it should have been me on that call.
Speaker 1:We went to the, we planned the funeral and uh, I had to go to the airport and pick up Jesse Rouse, the other guy that I rode with, and Jesse Rouse came and I remember Jesse Rouse wasn't a hugger but he gave me a hug. And uh, that day at the funeral I got asked if I would drive P15. I believe it was P15. Either way, it was John Watson's car, the same car that he drove, essentially to his death in that had been a subject of an investigation, was now getting put back into the fleet and I was asked if I could drive it in the funeral service. So I drove in that 10 mile procession whatever it was, in the first car behind the hearse in John Watson's car, with the lights on, with the siren on, and I had Jesse Rouse in the passenger seat. For once the roles were reversed and a retired Rouse was in the passenger seat and I was driving.
Speaker 1:We went to the funeral that day and it was the first time that I really got to process what was going on and take a minute to think. And I was standing on that stage with my fellow officers and John's casket was out in front with the American flag stretched over it. And I remember seeing the two Alaska State Troopers who are Alaska Troopers, have phenomenal looking uniforms. They're standing guard to the head and the foot of John. I remember carrying John in that day. I remember carrying John out that day. I remember standing there just bawling.
Speaker 1:I'm a six foot to 245 pound bald head badass cop in my mind and I'm standing on stage in front of the entire community crying my eyes out. And it was later that another community member mentioned that. You know, I saw you crying up there. That's how I remember you. You were the one that was crying and she and I are friends to this day. I didn't know her prior to that, but that's how she remembered me.
Speaker 1:There's a picture in the Peninsula Clarion. If you were to Google John Watson funeral Alaska. There's a picture of his casket. There's a picture in the Peninsula Clarion. If you were to Google John Watson funeral Alaska. There's a picture of his casket. There's a picture of me, or my entire police department, on the risers and I'm bawling in that picture.
Speaker 1:Um, so we went through the funeral and then John Watson's car got assigned to me. That was my police car now. So now I'm driving John Watson's car and very soon after that I started considering my own death in law enforcement. I had just watched my hero a hero to many, a man who was big and strong and tough and just a phenomenal police officer just got murdered in the line of duty by a guy who I met one month earlier and I trusted him enough to do a prowler check with me and I realized that it could have been me and that I needed to start planning. So I started planning my funeral. I maintained my funeral file for until I left the police department. I haven't looked at it since, until I left the police department. I would change my pallbearers, I would change my music, I would change the Bible verses as my life changed, I would manipulate and adjust my funeral file, but I was in it every year and I thought it was normal to plan my funeral.
Speaker 1:I didn't realize that was the foundational building blocks of my PTS Over the years after that. I let me talk about that. So we never debriefed on it. We never had a debrief. Remember this was early on in my career and we didn't talk about feelings. I never debriefed it. The others did, but I wasn't directly my career and we didn't talk about feelings. I never debriefed it. The others did, but I wasn't directly involved, so why didn't I need to go? What I did wasn't you know? I didn't see the scene, I didn't see John dead, so why did I need to go to it? I don't even think I was invited to it. I never spoke to anybody about it. We never got counseling. We literally compartmentalized it, shoved it down inside and pretended it didn't happen. That is the foundational building blocks for a life of hell. So over the years other calls occurred and just compounded and built on top of John and before you know it, I've got an entire wall of compartmentalized calls and trauma in my world that ultimately led to my decline and my I don't want to say breaking, but my need to leave law enforcement.
Speaker 1:The compounding PTSD, the cumulative PTSD, and John Watson was the first thing that I recognize as a foundational building block in my demise and I've always felt for 20 something years that I was to blame for his death, that I was the one responsible for having him there that night. It wasn't the sergeant's fault for backfilling the shift. It was my fault for taking a vacation and for making him work on his wife's birthday and Christmas day it should have been me. I was in better shape, I was more tactical minded and I felt like I would have handled that situation differently and maybe had the upper hand. Maybe not, but maybe I had the upper hand on the bad guy that night. John relied on his size and um it a lot. I was more ready to kick somebody's ass all the time. I was um new, I was fresh in defensive tactics and I just felt like it was my fault that John died. I felt that way forever. I felt like I wasn't allowed to take Christmas vacations I have never taken. I'm going to drink some coffee real quick. I felt like I wasn't allowed to take Christmas vacations in case something else happened or occurred. I left once and my world fell apart that night and it was a really, really crappy place to be. And it wasn't until I came out of law enforcement and started going through therapy.
Speaker 1:Well before I even got to therapy, I had to accept the fact that I was suffering from PTSD or PTS, and I didn't want to because, just like we didn't talk about our feelings 20 years ago, we sure as hell didn't talk about them today. And PTSD, pts, was for quitters and it was for people who weren't tough. It was for the they used to call. I had a sergeant called the weak sisters uh, in air quotes, and that it was just for the people who were weak. I was not weak. I never wanted to be weak. I wasn't born weak and I wasn't about to start today. Therapy was for people who needed a friend. I didn't need friends. I wasn't here to make friends. I was here to kick ass and take names and you know be better than all my peers around me, and I wasn't interested in anything that a therapy dog had to offer.
Speaker 1:However, I had to do an interview with workers comp and during that interview, as a result of the PTS claim that I wasn't accepting, but during that interview, they asked me to talk about 10, 12 different situations in my career that might have shaped my personal actions, beliefs, feelings, conduct, changed the way that I was an officer, changed the way that I was a human. So I started with John and I wrote them down, chronological as far as I could remember. I started with John and I got to about five or six on that list and I am an absolute wreck. I am bawling and there is no wonder that I am so messed up and it wasn't until that day that I truly started to unpack the box of John Watson and all the guilt and stress that I had been feeling over 20 something years at this point with John and the feelings of blame and shame and survivor's guilt and just devastation that was in the John Watson box. I continued to feel that way until I started going to therapy. In therapy we spoke about this during an EMDR session.
Speaker 1:Emdr is an amazing technique where you essentially, while activating the left and the right side of your brain, you go back and you put yourself back into the situation that you were in, in this case in 2003, what I was doing at the time, etc. And you talk about the events that occurred and, as a result, you're trying to change the relationship that you cognitively have with the events back then. Meaning a trauma is a trauma because of the guilt that I feel surrounding John dying. So the goal was to get it back to John getting killed that day in time and recognize cognitively that I'm allowed to take vacations, that other people can assign people to work, it was John's number and that I, while in Arizona, had nothing to do with John getting murdered that night. But I couldn't. That was the intent. So I changed the relationship and then, as you come out of the EMDR, you've changed the relationship and a trauma is no longer a trauma because you don't have the negative connotations or the trigger triggers with it connotations or the trigger triggers with it.
Speaker 1:However, in EMDR for this I could not come over or accept the idea that I wasn't to blame. We go, we went, the therapist and I went through all of our EMDR modalities and the disturbance level how I felt talking about it was still super, super high and I wasn't getting over it. I wasn't getting over it and the therapist stopped the session and she said I know that you are a Christian, can we talk about God? And I said, yeah, sure. She said who was with John that night when he was murdered? And I said, well, the bad guy, the girl and the dog. And she's like who else was there? And I'm like, well, I said God was there. And immediately it hit me that and whether you agree or not doesn't matter to me, but it was in that moment that I recognized that I wasn't to blame, that this, our beginning day and our last day is already predetermined if you're a believer and God had John right where he wanted him that night.
Speaker 1:That is the way the script was written long before I was involved and me going to Arizona had nothing to do with what occurred that evening, and I'm not to blame. And who am I to try to step in and mess with the hand of God? I do believe God was there. I believe God was with John. I believe John's in heaven right now and I don't think that it is a coincidence or an accident that I wasn't there. I think it was divine intervention and I think that God had a plan and my plan. His plan was for me to be in Arizona, for John to be there and for events to occur, and it was in that moment that I was able to unpack that box and release some of that self-guilt and be able to talk about this without completely breaking down, because that was the pivotal point that I needed to change my relationship with the events that occurred. I was not to blame.
Speaker 1:Unless you've carried that kind of weight on your shoulders for 21 years, it's tough to understand what it is that I'm talking about. It's tough to understand what it is that I'm talking about. It's tough to understand the guilt that you feel and I know some of you listening have experienced what I'm talking about. You have been there. You've been the driver of the DUI crash. You've been there during wartimes. You're a police officer that's been there and held your partner while they died and you felt like you could have done more. You should have done more. I should have been able to save him.
Speaker 1:These are all feelings that we have, especially as warriors out there fighting this battle, whether it's domestic or international. It doesn't matter where the terror is. It's the feelings we have when the loved one around us get hurt and we're taught that we will survive another day and keep going. John didn't get to survive another day and I did, and that's what layered the guilt on. I'm so thankful for the EMDR. I'm thankful for faith in understanding that this was God's plan and not mine. I'm thankful for my friends and family around me that have supported me over the years.
Speaker 1:I tell you all of this because I'm sure there is something in your world or, if you're still with me at this point in the podcast something has connected. No matter what that trauma is, what that guilt is that you're feeling, you can change that relationship with it. You can change the emotional baggage that is surrounded by it. Your availability to do that is here today and for me, I never thought that I would not feel the guilt of John Watson dying as a result of my actions and the result of me being directly involved in his death, when, the truth is, it really had nothing to do with me. This is just one of the situations that I've been able to work through through EMDR and through therapy and through PTS.
Speaker 1:Whatever your situation is, whatever you're going through, know that there's people out there that can help you. You know, and maybe not everybody listening to this is having issues. Maybe you're like, dude, stop, I've never had issues, I don't have issues, I just wanted to hear your story. Well, that's cool too. I appreciate that. But if you're not having issues, somebody around you might be. Open your eyes, pay attention. If you see something, say something, help your buddy out. Thank you guys so much for sticking around for another episode of the Murders to Music podcast. This podcast is in memory of John Watson, memory of the men and women of the Kenai Police Department and Alaska State Troopers and all the other agencies involved in that night, who absolutely took the bull by the horns did what you needed to do in a very hard and challenging time and ultimately found justice for our brother. Thank you, guys, so much. Have a great, great day.